12.29.2008

Why I love kids

I received this email from my best friend, Nicole, the other day:

Yesterday Noah and I went to the dollar store so he could get gifts for Luc and Sam with his own money. He picked a book for Sam and a wand for Luci. We get home, and of course he cant wait, so we give them their gifts. Sam then tears his book apart (its a Christmas pop-up) and Noah gets upset. I say under my breath "That's what happens when we buy cheap toys made in China"

Well, this morning...low and behold, Lucis wand breaks. She is crying and Noah says "well, that's what happens to toys made in your vagina" shrugs his shoulders and walks out of the room.

12.05.2008

Turn left now to enter Hell

When my mom and I were out in TX for Thanksgiving, we decided it would be fun to go to ICE, at the Gaylord hotel in Grapevine. We had to take two cars and I ended up in the car with my Aunt Joanne and my mom. I figured this was the better choice because the other car had two little kids in it. Yeah, I was totally wrong. We were supposed to follow my aunt there. You know, the person who actually lives out there and knows where she is going. We weren’t even 5 minutes from the house when all of a sudden my aunt J is passing my aunt C. Her and my mom are just chatting away and I ask her what she is doing. I look behind us and they are nowhere to be found. There is a ton of traffic and we have no idea where we are supposed to be. My cousin calls me, asks what the hell we are doing and then tells me where we need to go. I attempt to relay the info to my aunt J.

Turn onto the highway here. (There was only ONE option where she could go.)

Where?

Here. Take a right here.

Which way? Where am I supposed to go?

HERE. TAKE A RIGHT HERE.

Where the F am I supposed to turn?

Oh my God. Take a right here. Onto the only highway we can get onto right now.

Here? Here? Which way?


RIGHT.

My cousin would call every few minutes to let us know where we needed to be since they could not catch up to speedracer. By the way, we also had directions in the car with us. My mom printed them out JUST INCASE. We were doing alright for about 5 minutes and then aunt J decided to turn onto some other highway. Did my mom tell her to? No. Did my cousin call to tell us to? No. She just did. Before we left, J was telling us how Grapevine was at 1 o’clock to Fort Worth. Like, if you are looking at a map, it’s up to the right a bit. That is how she was planning on getting there. No map, no directions. I asked her is she knew how to get to “1 o’clock”, and she said no, but she would just head in that direction. Nevermind that there are a million and one different highways where we were. So, now we are on the wrong highway and my cousin calls to tell me that they did not turn there. No shit. My mom and I are trying to tell J to go back to the highway we were on and she, instead, pulls off to a gas station to buy a map. This is when I get a text saying that the other car is already at the hotel. J goes into the gas station, buys a map and gets back into the car. She hands the closed map to my mom and starts driving again making the decision to turn off again on the wrong highway.

My mom: Where are you going?

Aunt J: I don’t know.

MM: Why are you turning here? We need to get back to X highway.

AJ: (Flipping out) That’s neither here nor there, Shoulda, coulda,woulda. Where the F am I supposed to be now? That’s in the past! I don’t know nkjdsfdhfjd fjkdl ckj lakjhf ljfbk jlbvjk…………

Long story short(er), we ended up at the freaking airport. When we finally got to where we needed to be and there were signs specifically pointing to the hotel, she still ignored them. “Stay in the right lane” and she would merge to the left. “Turn left at light” and she would ask where she was supposed to go.

The ride back was a lot more quiet because no one was allowed to distract her. We made sure not to lose my aunt C, but the GPS decided to mess with us and take us a way that took twice as long.

What fun holiday family time.

12.03.2008

Just give up now

Every single year I send out Christmas cards to friends and family. I order them in October and address them by the beginning of November. I make sure to send out emails well in advance asking for addresses that I have lost or that I never had to begin with.

The cards are mailed out the day after Thanksgiving-the “official” beginning of the Christmas season as far as I am concerned. If I am not home to do it, Kenny sends them out for me.

I am noticing that more and more people are trying to compete with me! I have already received TWO cards! I also got an email from someone saying they were trying to beat me but received my card the other day!

Fools-just quit trying. I am the champion of Christmas cards. Don’t mess with the best.

11.25.2008

Happy Thanksgiving!

I have been horrible lately with posts, and I would like to apologize.

I'm sorry.

I would also like to wish everyone a safe and relaxing Thanksgiving! I am off to Dallas with my mom. Since Kenny works retail, he will be here working the weekend away. He will be spared a weekend with my family. My crazy, fantastic family.

A few quick things that I am thankful for:

Kenny
Maple anything
My friends-without them, I would have gone crazy long ago
Mojitos and grape vodka
My family-without them life would be sane, but frankly, a lot more boring
The stupidity in this world that makes me laugh daily
My doggies
Cheese bread
My home
Candy of any kind
The beautiful mountains I see every single day
It's Always Sunny reruns
Weekend getaways and trips to anywhere-but-here
Coffee
Fisherman-more specifically, crab fishermen: dressed up in full on fishing gear

11.17.2008

NKOTB

When I was in 3rd grade, I remember walking around the track during recess listening to New Kids on the Block on my Walkman. I would belt out Please don’t go Girl and Hangin’ Tough among others. I adored them. I adored Joey. I had one shirt and one giant pin. Nothing more. I was never allowed to go to one of their concerts though, Too young I suppose.

Well, I can check KNOTB concert off the list!

On Friday night, Kris and headed up to Broomfield to see them in concert. I was looking forward to it, but was not expecting much. I was excited, but not thrilled. Oh man, was I wrong.

It.was.awesome!

I thought it was hilarious that their first time around, most of us, were between the ages of 8-15. Now, we are all in our 20’s and 30’s. I was pretty happy that I would not be hearing screeching girls the entire show. When I went to see N’Sync a while back, I was deaf for a week from the blood curdling screams of 12 year old girls. Completely mistaken. I am still half deaf, but it’s because of the sheer volume of the screaming/cheering. The boys could not even be heard over the screaming when everyone was full on! It was hilarious. Then they started to sing. Holy crap did it take me back. They were really great live! We had seats on the floor and during the show they came over to the middle of the floor and sang about 3 songs from a rotating platform. We were maybe 10 feet from them! They are a lot shorter than I thought they would be, but that’s beside the point.

I also thought it was hilarious that I had no clue how popular Donnie was. Back in the day, I was completely smitten with Joey, which makes sense. I was young and so was he. He was the youngest by far. Little did I know that the older girls were all about Donnie. When he started to sing for the first time, the cheers were just as loud as they were for Joe! The tone was obviously a lot different this time too. Being a lot older, the guys were quite pervy at times. Donnie totally took the cake. I am pretty sure no one minded though.

The seats were filled with about 95% girls and 5% guys. Those poor fellas. Couldn’t even compete with what was happening around them. Donnie even made a comment about how he felt sorry for them, he really did. But seeing as they were soooo nice to take their lady to the show, they were owed a little bit of love when they got home.

Kris and I had a great time. The seats were filled. The energy was awesome. It was a fantastic show!

The rest of the weekend was spent in Breckenridge for Kris’s birthday. We went shopping, hung out and had a delicious dinner. (Note: If you have never tried Three Olives Grape Vodka and sprite I suggest you do so IMMEDIATELY. It tasted like grape soda!)

I wish every weekend could be like this.

11.11.2008

I love our life

While chatting last night, Kenny mentioned how he gets mad at people who have their lives planned out. They have it all figured out. He is frustrated that he doesn't know what he wants half the time and he doesn't have everything planned. As everyone knows, I am a huge planner, but as far as life goes, I don’t really see how it can be mapped out. Sure, you can say, "I want to meet someone, date for 3-5 years, get married by 25, then have a kid by 27." Good luck with that! Everything can change in a matter of seconds. Your life can turn upside down in the blink of an eye. It's ok to have "goals" but I say, live life now! Have fun now! Do what you want to do now! Who knows what tomorrow brings. There are those who plan everything down to the month and if/when something happens to alter it, they have no idea what to do. Sure, I want certain things within a certain time frame-ish, but it's out of my hands to a certain extent.

Kenny finally felt a bit better when I pointed out the other side of things. Alright, so these people supposedly have it all figured out. They have A., B., and C. BUT, do they get to do all these things that we do? Can they sleep in whenever they want and go on weekend getaways at the drop of a hat? And that's perfectly fine. That's their choice and they do have wonderful lives. But, I love our life, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

11.10.2008

Apparently, three's a crowd

Kimberly emailed me a picture of the most adorable puppy ever, named Trout, who is a puppy mill rescue and in need of a home. He is 4 months old, grey and white with blue eyes, and an Italian Greyhound.

Freaking adorable.

I guess she also sent it to Kenny and when I got home for lunch he said how he was trying to call the lady to go see him.

What? We are getting him? Really?

No. I just wanted to go see him. Kimberly sent me the application too.

So, you are going to see the adorable puppy with no intention of getting him. Are you going to fill out the application?

Yes and no. I just want to see how cute he is.

You can't do that. I can't do that! We will want him!

YOU can't do that. That's why you were not going to go with me.

Oh.

Do we need another dog? Nope. Absolutely not. Do I want freaking adorable precious cute as a button Trout? Yes! Yes! Yes! So discussions about Trout lasted until Saturday afternoon, when the final decision was made (by Kenny) that we are not going to try to get him.

What a mean husband I have.

11.04.2008

I already did!

I voted.

A few weeks ago.

I usually do not involve myself in anything political. I steer clear whenever possible. But, for some reason, I was really sucked into this election.

I voted for who I think will be the best President. I followed my gut. This is the first time I have ever voted for anything serious. I am very proud of myself.

11.03.2008

No close calls

Kenny didn't win the dodgeball tournament, but he didn't hurt himself either! They made it 3 sets (best 3 out of 5) but lost to a group of little highschool track team shitheads. It's probably better that they lost. Kenny and I don't have the willpower to turn down chick-fil-a. Free for a year? Nothing good could come of that.

10.30.2008

An injury is in Kenny's future

Kenny will be playing in a dodgeball tournament this Saturday. That is pretty much all the information I received. Oh, and the winning team gets $1000 and free Chick-fil-a for a year.

Grown men playing dodgeball...someone is definitely going to get hurt and guess who my money is on.

10.29.2008

The time has come

I cannot believe I am about to say this. Brace yourself people. These words do not come easy for me.

I am ready for kids. Or, a kid. Whatever.

This is the last you will hear mention of it though. I will not:

1. Obsess about it and tell everyone that we are a) trying or b) practicing. Who says we are and, frankly, no one wants to hear that.

2. Point out every baby when we are in public and say how adorable they are and how I want one now, right now. This very second. Get me one. I.want.a.baby.

3. Just because I am ready for them still does not mean that I like yours. Kenny and I will still roll our eyes at your ill-behaved spawn. Since we don't have kids yet, this is still completely acceptable.

If/when it happens, it happens. I have just decided that I am ok with it now. It would be really great to have a kid or two and raise them with Kenny. They would have to be tough little cookies though because as many of you know, Kenny hurts kids. Not on purpose, it just happens. Anyone remember Cole and the matador? Poor kid. Never saw it coming.

10.27.2008

I can only WORK at work?

Recently my work has fired about 6 people for inappropriate IM/email/Internet usage. That means 1)No more catching up on all my blogs or favorite websites from work and 2)No more blog posting at work. Frankly, the last thing I want to do when I get home is sit on the computer. I am in front of one for 8 hours a day and I think that is plenty. Unfortunately, this may mean less postings! I am not happy about it and will try to figure out a way to do it anyways. Work is my time to get personal things done! How dare they.

I will leave you with this…



10.20.2008

Seattle or bust!

For our second wedding anniversary, I took Kenny on a surprise trip with surprise friends! Kris and Patrick came over on Wednesday night and Kenny had no clue. Patrick showed up first and Kenny thought that he was just stopping by to visit. When he finally figured it out, he was really excited!

We also kept the “where” part a surprise until we got to the gate. I cannot tell you how many times I almost wrecked where we were going! This trip has been planned for months and things have happened, or we have seen things on tv, where I wanted to say, “Oh, we can go there when we are on our trip.” or “I can’t wait until we are in Seattle to do…..” I did it though! I kept it a secret until the last possible second!

For the record, I love everything about Seattle. I would move there tomorrow if I could.
I decided that on this trip, everything we did had to be accessible by foot, monorail, ferry, etc. So, we stayed right downtown at The Alexis. It is a beautiful hotel and was in the perfect location to get to everything with ease.

We arrived in Seattle on Thursday morning and went straight to The Underground Tour. I highly recommend this tour if you ever make it up that way. It is really interesting to think that 16 blocks of Seattle’s “ground floor” is actually really the second floor. It is also weird to think about what goes on in the other 13 blocks where the tour doesn’t venture. I can imagine there is some very sketchy stuff happening down there. The rest of the day we spent walking around town figuring out where things were and what else we could do. We met up with Marcus that night for dinner and went to the Crab Pot. The guys all did a boil and it was a ton of food! We finished the night with a (loooong) walk to The Cheesecake Factory for dessert.

Friday, we woke up and went to Pike Place Market. I love that place. Kris and I found some fantastic finds and Patrick and Kenny ended up buying a load of fish, lobster tails, and crab from the Pike Place Fish Market. I also found my second husband there. I don’t really believe in past lives, but I seriously have a very strong obsession with anything to do with lighthouses, fishing towns, fisherman (only hot ones of course), fishing boats, etc…..realistically, I cannot stand the ocean and I get sick standing on a docked boat. Kenny was nice enough to take a picture of my 2nd (wearing waders and sporting a beard). It was too funny. I miss him already. After the market, we made our way over to the aquarium. It is a bit older, but you can tell they are working on it. It was also a lot of fun and we got to see some adorable sea otters and an octopus eating 2 fish. They also had my favorite, the decorator crab, so that made me happy.

Saturday was an early morning. We took a ferry ride over to Bainbridge Island and walked around there for a while before grabbing some lunch right on the water. It is a gorgeous island and I was a little disappointed that we couldn’t see more. When we got back to Seattle, we stopped by the best crepe place in the world, and then took the monorail over to Seattle Center where we went to Empsfm and took a few pictures with the Space Needle. That night, we met up with Marcus again for dinner and some drinks.

This is the short story of everything we did. I know it’s pretty long, but we were out and about walking up and down huge hills the entire time we were there! We never had a bad meal, and I honestly enjoyed every second of my trip. I even got to see an old friend while there. He works right across the street for where we stayed!

I love Colorado and everything it has to offer, but Seattle has always been one of my favorite places ever. Who knows. Maybe someday I will be able to call it home.

10.15.2008

I can hardly wait!

??????????

We leave for our "Secret Anniversary Adventure" tomorrow morning. It is not a secret to me where we are going, only to Kenny. All he was told was to take October 16-19 off from work. I am really excited to go where are headed. I LOVE it there!

Kenny and I will be married 2 years next Tuesday. We've been together 9 though, so that's pretty good, right?

10.13.2008

Clearly, the next logical choice

As I have said a few times before, I am always hesitant to speak about anyone at work. Well, unless they have been warned. Then it's perfectly fine. This person has not been warned and I don't even care. I have to tell someone.

There is a woman who sits near me that I may or may not despise. Everything about her may or may not irritate, annoy, or disgust me.

She walked in yesterday morning and sat at her desk. I never acknowledge her or look her way. I pretty much act like she doesn't exist. Next thing I hear is, "Your hair looks different. Is that a wig?"

I look over and this woman that I do not think could possibly do anything else to make me like her less is sporting a wig! She then goes on to say this...

Oh, yeah. I don't like hats. I have never liked hats. So, when the weather gets colder I like to keep warm with different wigs. They keep my head really warm.

I would like to point out that I have nothing against wigs, normally. The one she wore was not even cute. It looked as greasy as her real hair and reminded me of a dead squirrel. So, I guess it's cute if you like to see people with dead, greasy animals on their heads.

Weekend recap

Kenny and I brought my mom to see Great Big Sea on Thursday night=Awesome

Went to Denver to go out with Alanna, Brie and Lacey for my birthday (a month late)=Awesome

Got to hang out with Karl (Kenny's brother) who was in town for the weekend=Awesome

Little Danielle (Jeff and Jamie's spawn) turned two and had a fun little birthday party=Awesome

It was the first weekend that felt like fall=Awesome

The carpet guy came over, ripped carpet out, sectioned off the entire area with plastic and put really loud fans in there to dry everything out and the fans had to constantly be running all weekend and the house is disorganized because of everything we had to move out of the way and he wrote a quote totaling $5300 freaking dollars=NOT Awesome

10.09.2008

Welcome to my poop house

Anyone aware of what blackwater backup is? Well Internet, it is when the lowest drain in your house (ours being the one in the water heater closet) starts overflowing into your house because something is clogged down below. So, basically, your house becomes filled with poop water. Yep. Happened last night at about 8pm.

A guy came out last night to snake the pipe. I had to throw away about a dozen towels we used to sop up feces-water. It was a great night.

So now, we have someone coming out today to rip everything up that was contaminated and he is going to replace it all.

10.06.2008

Sweet Caroline bah bah bah

Ok, fine. Super Diamond was fun. Will I go see them again? Probably not. Would I suggest them to others? Meh. "Surreal Neil" does sound exactly like Neil Diamond which was pretty impressive.

I did not like when the guy next to me took off his afro wig and twirled it around over his head, flinging his sweat all over the side of my damn face. I did not like that one bit.

10.03.2008

So, this should be interesting

Kenny called me from work one night asking if we could go to a show in Denver in October. A coworker of his knows one of the guys in the band and wanted us to go with him to see them play. I am always up for whatever, and going to see new bands is always fun.

That may be the final time that last statement leaves my lips.

Above is a picture of the Super Diamonds. I've never been known to keep my opinions to myself so, I will just say it. Eeew. They are a Neil Diamond cover band. Please-go to their site and listen to a tune. Holypooponastick. I am not saying these boys are not nice or good people or not "talented" but I am saying that never in my life would I recommend them to others.

Who knows. Maybe I will be posting something on Monday about how amazing these fellas are and how everyone should see them at some point in their life. I doubt it, but you never know. If I do, make sure to ask me how drunk I was.

10.01.2008

I love this woman

This post from The Bloggess is just to amazingly freaking awesome not to share.

That is all.

9.29.2008

F you Simply Sleep

This past weekend a few of us went camping. I would first like to say that I do enjoy camping and I am good at it. Apparently, I do not look like the camping type. APPARENTLY, it is assumed that I am too prissy for it. Not showering for a few days? You can't handle it Lauren. Peeing behind a rock. Yeah right, Lauren. Well you know what? Screw all of you nay-sayers. I am a legitimate camper. I spit on pop-ups and people who bring tv's and "toilets". I am hardcore.

The only part of camping that I do not like is the "nature" part of it all. I mean, I like the outdoors and I love campfires and sleeping next to a river and all that. I do not like spiders, bees, bears, mountain lions, and whatever else can eat me, bite me, or sting me. This being said, whenever we go camping, I don't sleep. Like, at all. I lie awake the entire night waiting for a bear to rip through the tent and eat me, then Kenny, then the girls for dessert. Kris told me that she takes Tylenol PM when we go camping so she sleeps better. AWESOME. Why didn't I think of that? I went to Target the next day and bought some Simply Sleep. Friday night I was so excited to take it and to be able to sleep though the night. To sleep at all actually. Yeah. Right. Friday night was long and sleepless and I didn't fall asleep until the sun started to rise on Saturday morning. To add insult to injury, the girls refuse to sleep in their own sleeping bag-they totally have their own mini bag. Not 30 minutes after we went to bed, they decided they wanted to be with me, in mine. I have a mummy bag that fits me comfortably, aside form being a bit too short. Add two little dogs, and forget it. So, I stayed in my bag all night, not moving for fear of suffocating a dog, awake, and waiting for the sun to come up so I could catch some zzzz's. The part that pisses me off the most is that Kenny barely hits the pillow and he is out for the entire night.

Saturday, I said shag it and I was going to double up. It had to do something if I took twice the recommended amount. Nope. Nothing. F you Simply Sleep. Next time, maybe I will just take some shots of jager and hopefully pass out.

Weekend was fun, however 5 total hours of sleep over an entire weekend is not ok.

9.26.2008

Shepherds pie

We are going camping this weekend and I was trying to think of something different to make. We usually have the normal stew, brats, burgers, etc.....

I decided on Shepherds pie. It has always been one of my favorite meals. Comfort food is the best!

9.22.2008

It's your neeeeewwwwwwwwww bike!

Kenny has been eyeing the new Harley Davidson VRod Muscle and wanted to see if we could make the numbers work so he could trade in his 2003 Harley Vrod. He drove down to the dealership in Pueblo (Long story short, a sales person at Harley here in town leaves a lot to be desired) and talked to the guys down there. The financial stuff all made sense, so all that was left to do was pick the color.

It doesn't matter if Kenny is buying shoes, peanut butter, or a motorcycle-he cannot make a decision! When we shop for shoes, he goes to one store, and we spend a good hour or two in there. He will try shoes on two or three times and still has cognitive dissonance when we leave. It may very well be the death of me. So, Kenny calls me at work and asks if I can meet him down there to look at the silver bike. He doesn't know if he wants the silver or black one. We had seen the black one here in town earlier in the week.

Silver or black.

I left work and drove 45 minutes to look at a color. Seriously.

This is a picture of the new bike, and I have to say the picture does it no justice. It is so much better in person! We both love it, and I am pretty sure if I allowed it, he would be sleeping next to it in the garage.

9.19.2008

Post Secret

Have you seen this site? I love it. I can imagine it would be therapeutic for people to send in their "secrets postcard" completely anonymous for the world (internet folk) to see. I may just send in one of my own...

UPDATE: I sent one in and none of you will ever know which one it is.

9.17.2008

What the deuce, man

I love Kenny. I adore Kenny. I know how Kenny is when it comes to matters of the backside, and I still love him.

I do not love that Kenny feels the need to leave the bathroom door open when he is dropping a deuce “for better acoustics” or how he describes, in great detail, the piece of crap that just wouldn’t flush. Is it essential that I know this? Does it benefit me in any way? No. He also thinks that when he is in the bathroom, that is an excellent time to catch up with friends/family.

Note: If you ever talk to Kenny on the phone and there is an echo, there is a 99% chance he is on the pot.

9.11.2008

Food critic debut, sort of

Last night, my mom took Kenny and I out for my birthday dinner. I chose the Plate. If you're Colorado folk, I highly recommend it. It was fabulous. We ordered calamari for an appetizer. To reveal how classy I am, I will let you know that I have only ever consumed it breaded or fried. Never have I had it "au natural" in sauce. At first I was a bit afraid of the little rubber bands in marinara sauce, but decided to jump in head first-they were fantastic! For my main course, I ordered the kobe hanger with scallops. The server asked how I wanted my kobe cooked and I said medium-well. After she left I asked Kenny if I should have asked for it medium. He then reminded me of the time I ordered a buffalo steak medium and when I cut into it, it bled on my plate and all over my mashed potatoes. I was trying really hard to not complain about my food, and I know a lot of meat is better cooked medium or even medium rare. Instead, I just sat there and didn't say a word. Kenny looked over at me and said, "Are you crying?" I was totally tearing up as I was chewing on the way-too-undercooked (in my opinion) steak. It was grossing me out so bad that tears were filling my eyes. I cannot eat a meal involving meat with Kenny bringing that up. Anyways, I kept the Kobe medium-well, which really was overcooked a bit. Never satisfied. The scallops were perfect. For dessert, I ordered the brown sugar butter pecan cheesecake and OH MY GOD. I love all of those things separate, so together? Amazing! My mojito was the only mediocre thing I got there. It tasted like seltzer lime and nothing else. I have only been craving one for like 3 months. Way to wreck that one! Ever since they put that Bacardi commercial on tv. You know, the one with the dancing and the ch, ch, ch sound? Ring any bells? No? Fine.

My mom ordered the filet and Kenny had mussels, Italian sausage, and sea bass. Mmmmmm's were heard all around.

9.10.2008

OhmyGodOhmyGodOhmyGodOhmyGodOhmyGod

It's my birthday today!!!!! I don't know why I have always adored this particular day-more than Christmas, Easter, and EVEN St. Patrick's Day! It's not like anything mind blowing ever happens. Well, I guess making it another year is pretty impressive. Happy birthday to me!

9.09.2008

A birthday present

Kenny gave me the blanket I wanted for my birthday and I LOVE it. I told him he will have to get one of his own because I am not willing to share it with him. However, the girls don't really seem to listen when I tell them the same thing.

UPDATE: Clementine chewed a fucking hole in my blanket 4 days after I got it.

9.05.2008

Strawberry Pretzel Salad

I totally realize that is sounds kindof weird, maybe even gross, but it so good! My supervisor brought it to work one day and I could have eaten the whole thing.

2 C crushed pretzel sticks
3/4 C melted butter
3 Tbsp sugar
8 oz cream cheese
1 C sugar
8 oz Cool Whip
1 (6 oz) pkg. strawberry banana Jello
2 C boiling water
2 (10 oz) pkgs. frozen strawberries, partially thawed

Mix first three ingredients and press in bottom of a 9"x13" pan. Bake at 350 degrees (metal pan) or 325 degrees (glass pan) 8 minutes. Let cool completely. Beat 1 cup sugar and cream cheese. Fold in Cool Whip. Spread over pretzels. Mix Jello and water until dissolved. Add strawberries. Stir into Jello, then set aside for 10 minutes. Pour over cheese mixture. Chill.

8.28.2008

The clouds told her, obviously

Mary Ann, Kenny's mom, is nuts (God love her). She was over yesterday for dinner and proceeded to tell me that she saw Delanie* being born.....in the clouds. This is definitely not the first time she has seen things in the clouds. I am relatively positive that this is a weekly occurrence. She was explaining to me that she saw a DM in the clouds, clearly for Delanie McKee. Then she saw her being born. I said, "So, you saw a giant cloud vagina? That's kindof gross." While looking at me with disgust, she told me it was more like a tunnel. Oh, and she had hair like a monk, bald on top.

In the past, she has told me that she saw half my name in the clouds, but she isn't sure what that means. I have a few ideas...

*Delanie is my soon to be niece! Monica is due any day now!

P.S. This was written out of love for my MIL. So, back off sensitive people.

8.27.2008

A biodegradable birthday

Biodegradable Plates, Bowls & Cups

I am having a few people over for a birthday BBQ next Saturday. I was concerned about the utensils and everything that I needed to buy. You know, since I am all earthy now. My problems were solved when I found this site!

These plates are made from 100% sugar cane fiber (bagasse), a byproduct of the sugar refining process. (Supplies of this material are virtually unlimited worldwide. The use of bagasse products eliminates the dependence of traditional wood fiber-based materials in disposable tableware. Since bagasse is traditionally burned for disposal, the diversion of the fiber into the making of tableware prevents harmful air pollution.)

The potato-starch cutlery is sturdy, attractive, reusable, and suitable for hot foods up to 220° F. Because it's made from renewable resources (potato starch and vegetable oil), and because it's compostable, this makes a great replacement for standard plastic cutlery.These pieces will biodegrade within 180 days in a commercial composting facility.

To top it off, everything was reasonably priced-hooray! More money for birthday presents!

8.26.2008

Stupid dreams, what a letdown

When someone (usually of the opposite sex) says to you, "You were in my dream last night." What does that usually imply? Riiiiiiiigggggghhhhhht. Majority of the time it means that it involved you, them and perhaps some very compromising positions. Maybe some handcuffs. Whatever. You get my drift.

I think that, perhaps, I may be the lamest dreamer alive.

I have told people that I dreamt about them and they get that look like, "Well, was I any good?" I hate to be the bearer of bad news when telling them that we just ran some errands, hung out at my house, did laundry, or went to grab some coffee. Seriously, every single time I have a "hot guy" dream, nothing happens! I am totally getting screwed. Actually, I guess I'm not.

The other night I had a dream with Christian Bale. You want to know what steamy details I have?

None.

I met up with him to get his ring cleaned.

8.25.2008

Motorcycle weekend adventure

With the bikes

Crazy Horse

Profile of George (Mount Rushmore)

Deadwood


I have always said that I do not like doing "touristy" things when I go on trips. After this past weekend, I need to change that statement to say that I do not like going on trips and doing "touristy" things during tourist season. Late August is a great time to go anywhere because school has just started and roads trips are mostly over for the year.

We left on Thursday morning bright and early to head out to Keystone, SD. We had to drive though WY to get there. I have nothing nice to say about that state. I'm not a scientist (or engineer or whoever figures this out) but I am am pretty sure we could power the entire nation with the wind in Wyoming. I should definitely check into that. Ridiculous. Wyoming was windy as crap and hot. The wind felt like a space heater blowing directly onto me. When we hit South Dakota, the wind slowed and the temperature dropped. Which is another thing. Everyone told us that SD is hot and humid this time of year. Not this past weekend-it was in the 70's and gorgeous. We totally lucked out. We got to our hotel in the early evening and just hung out the rest of the night. It had been a long day of riding.

Friday morning, we rode to Deadwood, Sturgis, and Rapid City. If anyone decides to visit South Dakota for any reason, I strongly advise staying in the Black Hills. They are beautiful. Reminded us of Colorado actually. Sturgis, we are pretty sure, only exists for the Rally. The rest of the year, the city is run down and full of empty buildings. It was pretty gross. Granted, Sturgis was only a few weeks ago, but it was a ghost town. Rapid City? Meh. Nothing great. Deadwood was so cute. We all liked it. The whole feel of the town was great. We caught lunch where Wild Bill was shot and then rode up to the cemetery where he is buried. They had a hot rod thing going on also, so there were a ton of cool cars everywhere.

Saturday we went to Jewel National Cave where we took a lantern tour. Basically, they take you in the cave, with just a lantern, to show you how it would have been experienced back in the day. It was really interesting. It lasted about 2 hours and we went up and down a ton of tiny, skinny stairs, crouched through some openings, and sucked our guts in to get through some narrow passageways. A lot of fun. On our way back we stopped at Crazy Horse. The size of the project is astounding. If you don't know anything about it, check it out here. If you are from Colorado, the whole idea and process of CH reminds me of Bishops Castle. A crazy family wanting nothing to do with the government building something "great and significant". Great and significant takes on a different meaning when talking about Bishops castle though. Crazy Horse was really amazing and really frustrating all at the same time. The face took 10 years to complete and it was done in 1997. That is still all that is completed. I don't think I will be here to see the finished product. Shame really. After we were done there, we went to Mount Rushmore. It was about 5 minutes from our hotel, which was cool. Here's a fun little fact. All of Mount Rushmore fits into the head of Crazy Horse.

Sunday, it was time to head home. It was pretty uneventful aside from the fact that all three of us got pulled over by the State Patrol and we missed 3 tornadoes by about 20 minutes.

I never realized how much the wind can take out of a person. I am completely exhausted from the trip. The Black Hills are amazingly beautiful and it was a memorable trip to say the very least. Photos to be added soon.

8.21.2008

On the road again

Kris, Patrick, Kenny, and I are on a long weekend motorcycle adventure! I will be sure to post when we get back!

8.18.2008

My muddy weekend

In the Pit
Our seats at Red Rocks

After getting to bed at midnight on Saturday night and waking up at 1am and 2am, the alarm went off at 3:15am. We had to get up and get ready for the Muddy Buddy! We had to leave the house by 4am to get to Boulder by 5:30 to pick up our race packets. The race didn’t start until 7:15 and our wave didn’t begin until 7:50am. Nothing like hurrying to wait. I started the race running, Kenny on the bike. The entire 1st mile was muddy. I know it’s called the Muddy Buddy, but that is only because of the mud pit at the end. It has been raining a lot around here, so the entire dirt course was a muddy disaster. Anyways, I got to the first obstacle, completed it and went to find my bike. I almost lost my shoes numerous times because the mud was set on suctioning them off my feet. I found the bike and it was sitting in mud about a foot deep. Thanks Kenny. I picked it up and could not even push it because the mud was so thick on the tires and all gooped up around the important parts. The guys handing out water were trying to help me get the mud off so it was rideable. I would get 10 feet and it would be impossible to ride again. I decided to push it until the mud flew off enough for me to ride it. All of a sudden, the chain fell off. A very nice guy helped me get it back on. I probably moved about 25 feet and then my back tire wouldn’t move, so I was pushing dead weight. Then, an entire part of the bike broke. I don’t even know what it’s called, but it completely broke off. I tried to push it but the broken part kept getting caught in my wheel. I tried to rig it a million times, but it kept getting caught. Kenny, being the smart guy he is, knew something was wrong. I may be kindof slow, but this was ridiculous. He came back to meet me on the trail and I could not have been more happy to see him. What a relief! We did the rest of the race together with him pushing the stupid broken bicycle and me running (walking). Did I mention this happened 1 mile into the 7 mile race? Yeah, fun. We finished though. Very late. But, we finished!
After the race, I had to get home, shower, get ready, and go back up to Red Rocks to see Jack Johnson. I didn’t get home until 12:30 this morning. Incase you forgot, I woke up at 3am! Well worth it though. It was a great day, broken bike and all. Definitely one for the books.

8.11.2008

Just to give you an idea.

These are the conversations I have on a daily basis.

Body Shop: I was calling about the vehicle that you totaled.

Me: Ok? What can I do for you?

BS: So, you notes say it it a total loss...

Me: Right.

BS: So? Is it a total then?

Me: Yep: That is what my note says.

BS: Ok.

8.10.2008

Luxury Plush Throw

While shopping at Park Meadows this weekend, I came across this throw at Restoration Hardware. It comes in a bunch of different colors! It is the most amazing throw in the entire world. I don't think I have ever felt anything so soft! It's like those super soft baby blankets, but for us! Who wants to waste this piece of heaven on babies? Not me.

8.08.2008

I love crazy people

I love this blog. It is one of my favorites. The lady is nuts and fantastic and hilarious. This particular one made me start to think of my own neuroses...here we go. These are just a few. Good Lord.

When I go for walks, I always tap the tips of my fingers together on the beat that I am walking and usually to a song (in my head ofcourse).

I can only have the radio and tv volume on certain numbers. I am a fan of 5,7,10, 12, 15, 17, and 20 for the radio. Usually 15, 17, 21, 23, or 25 for the tv.

I can walk into any room in my house and I will know if something is missing or was moved 1/16 of an inch. It's like a messed up game of memory. Don't mess with me if you visit and move my stuff. It will ruin my day.

I cannot STAND the smell of maple syrup, but I could probably drink a gallon of it every single day of my life.

All my clothes in my closet are organized by category and color. Shirts, tank tops, jeans, etc...I even do it to Kenny' s closet. He could care less, but it makes me feel better.

It drives me crazy when Kenny doesn't hit the clear button on the microwave after he takes his food out. Like if he takes it out with 3 seconds to go and the next time I try to see the time it says 00:03.

It disgusts me when people pull on their skin. Like, when people hang cinderblocks from chains attached to their nipple rings or just pull down on their neck skin.

That's how I roll people. Leave me alone.

8.07.2008

The Girl in the Window

People at work were making fun of me when Christian didn't make me tear up. They said I had a heart of stone. Well, this one got me. Happy now?

8.06.2008

This is the kind of mood I have been in

I called Kenny from work to see what we were going to do when I got home.

"We can go for a run?"

"Oh."

"Play tennis?"

"Welllll...I would really like to just do nothing."

I got home and seriously passed out for close to 2 hours.

I am typing this blog from my Blackberry in bed because I am too lazy to go down to the computer.

I have no motivation to do anything. I think of things to do, but that's as far as I get. We have the Muddy Buddy next weekend and I have not done crap to prepare. I can't let kenny down this year either because last year I totally sucked it up.

I need to be motivated-I need a nice swift kick in the ass.

8.04.2008

One million dollars please

Kris was at our house over the weekend. One morning while we were eating breakfast, he asked if he could pay us to take Clementine and Hazel home with him. He said that they are the only dogs he really likes. He said that we did a good job training them and he would just like to take them because he knows they are good dogs. You never know what you'll get if you get a puppy. They could grow up and suck. I told him that he could have the for a million dollars a piece. He said nevermind.

Glad to know I can raise 'em right.

7.31.2008

I am so telling on you.

My mom is coming over to the house after work tonight to hang out with the girls. Yes, she is my dog babysitter. I feel awful leaving them alone all night after I have been at work all day. Ok? Back off. I was talking to Kenny on the phone and told him that my mom would be over around 5.

K: What? Why? I just cleaned the floors.

L: She is coming over to hang out with the girls. What do the floors have to do with it?

K: She is going to mess them up. She's messy. (My mom has made me into the insanely anal person I am today. True, she is a lot more relaxed then she used to be, however.....)

L: How? How is she going to mess them up?

K: She just will. I just cleaned them.

L: I am so telling on you.

7.30.2008

My eyes hurt, my head aches

Sorry for the lack of posts! Work has been beyond insane this week. I guess what I am trying to say is that I actually have to do my job. There are less then half of us here so the remainder of us have to pick up the slack. My days are flying by, but I leave with the worst headache in the world and my carpal tunnel acting up. Fun times.

On a side note-our 2nd wedding anniversary is in October and I am planning a very fun trip! All Kenny knows is that we will be gone from October 16-19. Hooray!

7.24.2008

What is wrong with you?

Oh my God. What is the matter with people? I came across this today. Tell me Diva Thin Muffin doesn't sound perverted. I am in awe.

7.22.2008

Mile High Music Festival: Part II

This post would be rated "R" but I decided to censor it. I am sure you will be able to figure it out.

The five of us had put our bags in a pile on the ground during Petty. We were all standing around them. They had our phones, cameras, and nice sunglasses in them. Pretty fragile cargo. This girl was trying to leave and walked right towards us. She was getting ready to step right on our bags…

Me: Oh, hey. Can you please walk right here? We have bags on the ground. (The way I asked her to go was like 10 inches to the left.)

Dumb Beotch: I'll walk where the F I want to walk.

Me: Oh.

She then started to walk onto our bags when Alanna and Brie shoved her back. The girl went flying back. There was a cute little mom behind her and I didn't want her to be squished (This beotch was a BIG girl) so I grabbed her arm to save her from falling.

Dumb Beotch: Why the F are you pushing me? Why the F are you pushing me?

Me: I caught you, you dumb B. Why would I hold onto your arm if I pushed you?

She turned to Alanna and started yelling at her asking her why she pushed her. One thing led to another and the girl was walking away and then turned around and spit on Alanna. It got on my cheek and hit the other girls too. OMG. That did not just happen. I have never been spit on in my life and don't understand why anyone would do that! Alanna grabs the girl and rips her shirt while throwing her to the ground. Right on top of our bags (and some saucy dumplings). The girl gets up, guys are holding her back from going after us, and the guy next to me steps in front of me to block her from me (aaaaw, so nice). She finally gave up and left.

Yikes. The whole time I was just thinking, "Ugh. I really do not want to get into a fight. I really like this dress."

Sunday was much more uneventful. We did not even try to sneak any booze in and no fights broke out. The weather was a lot more tolerable and, overall, it was just a more laid back day. We got to see:
Brett Dennen
Ingrid Michaelson
One Republic
Rodrigo Y Gabriela
John Mayer
Dave Matthews Band
I wanted to catch the Black Crowes, but we missed out. I am still uber disappointed about that. I also have a new found love for John Mayer. I have always thought he was an amazing artist, but never really liked him beyond that. What was I thinking? He was so great live and quite the looker! Never knew! I am pretty sure he has been working out or something. Who knows. Who cares. I love him.

If they make this festival an annual event, I am there. A ton of fun.

7.21.2008

Mile High Music Festival: Part I

The Mile High Music Festival was this past weekend. It was an outdoor two day event with 5 stages and a ton of bands.

Friday night, we decided to go and buy some shooters to bring into the festival. Obviously, liquor was not allowed. This is where the genius happens. We had a few different boxes of snacks: Cheezits, Rice Crispy Treats, Etc. We opened the box of Cheezits, pulled the bag out, put 3 shooters on the bottom of the box, put the bag back in and then resealed the box. GENIUS. We had 3 more shooters and no more boxes, so I decided that I would roll one up in my towel. Lacey put the other 2 in her jacket pockets. She rolled up her jacket and put it in the backpack. Fast forward to Saturday morning. We get to the front of the line where they are checking bags. The women tells me to pull out my towel. Fine. I am holding it, still rolled up, while she looks through my stuff. Then she asks me to unroll my towel. Ccccccrrrrraaaaaaaaaap. Whatever. What else am I going to do? I unroll and my little bottle of Malibu goes rolling towards the gutter. She sees it and then puts her arm above her head and starts point and yelling, "This one tried to sneak in alcohol! This one right here." She was trying to humiliate me. Didn't work. Then she tells me to stand right there and she is going to call someone over. I said, "No, that's ok." and walked into the festival. Then, Lacey was getting her bag checked by the same stupid woman and she pulled her jacket out. One of the pockets was open and another shooter fell to the ground."This one right here! This is what I am talking about. Watch out for this!". This women was taking her job way to seriously. She thought she was this amazing booze catcher, but she didn’t even get half of it. Suck it lady. We win.

We made our way to the main stage and found a great spot. We put our blankets down ready to camp out. Over the course of the day we saw:
Meese
Stephen Kellogg and the Sixers
Gaven Degraw
Citizen Cope
O.A.R.
Tom Petty
It was insanely hot outside and pretty much impossible to keep hydrated. I have never sweat so much in my entire life. I honestly do not understand how people could drink. It was the last thing on my mind. I also did not smoke anything, but am pretty sure I was high half the day. The entire place had a cloud of smoke lingering about the crowds. Every single band was great, not a bad one anywhere. There were a few lame people throughout the day, pushing their way closer to the stage. Nevermind that many of us had already been there for hours making sure we had a good spot to see Petty. They didn’t care. Tom came on around 9pm. He was amazing. We were enjoying the show when all of a sudden…..

7.18.2008

Buttermilk Pie

Last Thanksgiving, my mom and I went to my Aunt's house in Fort Worth, TX. They had this pie ready and waiting. We don't have buttermilk pie here in Colorado, and I'm pissed. It is so good! Healthy? Not in the least. But, frankly, who puts the words healthy and pie together?

7.16.2008

This is what we argue about

Me: I am headed up to Denver this weekend to go out with Alanna, Lacey and Brie.

Kenny: You are headed down to Denver?

Me: What? No, up to Denver. It is north of us.

Kenny: But, it's lower in elevation, so you are going down to Denver.

Me: That is a ridiculous way of thinking of things. Pretty much anywhere we go would be "down". (We are at about 6500 ft. here in C Springs)

Kenny: Right. Shouldn't be hard to remember then.

Me: (Rolling eyes) Whatever. I am going to Denver.

7.14.2008

I meant positive motivation, jerk

I told Kenny that I need him to motivate me to run and ride our bikes more. I always have the intention of doing something after work, but by the time Kenny walks through the door an hour after I've been there, all I want to do is hang out and make dinner.

On Sunday morning this is the first thing I heard after I woke up. This is not what I meant by motivation. "Good morning. Quit being lazy. Let's ride to Kim and Brad's." Um…..Lazy is lying on the couch all day watching tv and eating pizza. Lazy is not waking up at 7:30 in the morning and barely having my eyes open. Then, on our bike ride, we had to go up the biggest hill in existence of the world. Ok, fine. Not the biggest hill in existence, but I hate hills. I hate them and we cannot avoid them. There are hills all around this stupid town. Big hills, little hills. They taunt me. We went up a small-ish hill and then around a corner. There it was-the stupid ginormous hill. I looked at it and told Kenny I was going home. I didn't want to do it. He glared at me and said, "Quit being a baby." I went up the damn hill, although I walked my bike up most of it.

When we got home, I had to clarify what I meant by motivation. Being a jerk and calling me a lazy baby is not the way to get me to do things. He said, "Well, it made you go up the hill, didn't it?"

7.11.2008

Rebelling pants and a recipe


Have you ever had those days where getting dressed, or even ready in general, is such a task? I could not do it this morning. Putting pants on, ugh. One leg in, and then the other. What a chore. My hair, frankly, is a disaster-up in a ponytail with a bandanna to hold back my stupid bangs that are still growing out. And, picking out a shirt? I don't even know if I match. I don't even care.

Anyways, here is a perfect breakfast, french toast casserole. Sooooo good with eggs and toast.


7.10.2008

It could be worse

A friend of mine had her father-in-law visit last week. He sounds like quite the guy. She told my mom these two stories, but couldn't get through an entire sentence without gagging.

They were all in the car driving one day. T (my friend) was in the back seat behind the passenger, the FIL*. Her husband was driving. They had just finished eating and her FIL had some food in his teeth. Let's first review the proper ways to handle this.
1. Wait until you get home and then brush.
2. Floss in the car (Kindof gross, but I have been known to do it).
3. Make that annoying sucky, slurpy sound while trying to suck the food out from between your teeth.
Her FIL unfortunately chose non of the above. He decided that, instead, he was going to take them out (he wears dentures) and LICK them clean. He sat there holding his chompers and licked all the food out. Are you gagging yet? My stomach just turned.

On another car trip in the same week, they had one of their daughters with them . She was sitting directly behind the lovely FIL. Her mom kept telling her to roll her window up. She had told her 5 or 6 times and was ignored every time. Well, FIL felt the need to hawk a loogey (I just gagged) and upon doing so it went out the front window and came right back into the back and onto the daughter. All she could do was sit there, frozen with disgust. This, children, is why you should listen to your parents. If you don't, you'll end up with a loogey on your shirt.

*FIL=Father-in-law, incase you couldn't figure it out.

7.09.2008

Ho hum...

Sorry I have not been posting too much lately. I have not really been in the best of moods. Hopefully I can get back into it soon. My head is filled with crap-nothing fun to write about.

Don't forget my gift when you come to my pity party.

7.07.2008

Name all 50 states in 10 minutes!

Click on the link below and start typing the state names in the little box. The countdown starts as soon as you open the web page, not when you start typing.

Good luck!

http://www.ironicsans.com/state22.html

6.30.2008

My new job

I think I fell into my new job today: Phone sex operator

Hello. May I speak to Darwin please?

This is him.

Hi. This is Lauren with AAA. (Then I said a bunch of other completely non-important stuff to let him know his vehicle is totaled.)

Can I tell you something first? You have a very sexy voice over the phone.

Um, Ok. I would just like to verify some information.

Mmmmm. Go ahead.

At this point I went through all his information and I could tell he was not even listening to what I was saying.

Can I ask you something off the record?

Ask whatever you would like, however this is being recorded.

Oh, nevermind. It was a reeeeeeaaaaaaaallllly good question.

Right. Well, would you like to think about your options and give me a call tomorrow?

I would love to. I can't wait to talk to you again. I am reeeeaaaalllly looking forward to it.



I need to shower.

Time for improvement s'il vous plait

It’s getting really hard for me to be positive. All I hear about all day, every day is GLOBAL WARMING and THE ECONOMY IS IN THE SHITTER. I know that regardless of what happens, Kenny and I can make though, but it really puts a damper on my day. I am making myself sick even typing about it now. On top of that, the people that I currently sit next to at work talk so negatively the entire day. We are all going to get canned. This place sucks. I hate it here. I get it! If it’s so bad, leave! It’s enough for me to read articles on rising gas prices, food costs going through the roof and record number of homeless on the streets. I don’t need to hear your unnecessary complaining on top of it. It honestly is getting difficult for me to find the positive in what is going on. I know, it always gets better, but I am tired of waiting. I have noticed the ways that it is affecting me and my well being and I don’t appreciate it. I do thank God that we are both still employed (at this time) and that we are very fortunate in general. I am just waiting for something to go wrong.

6.27.2008

Pasta Salad

With the 4th of July right around the corner, I figured a delicious pasta salad recipe would be perfect! It's quick and easy, so enjoy!

6.25.2008

This just in: We're old

After work yesterday, Kenny met up with some friends at a bar. He called me and asked if I wanted to join them for a beer or two. Fast forward to this morning and you will find two hungover folks. Did we even drink that much? Not really. Did we go to bed later than usual? Nope. I am so tired, I swear to God I could fall asleep under my desk right now. Nothing has ever sounded more appealing actually. I have gone through two Sigg bottles of water and have yet to pee. Kenny had to wake up and get out of bed because he said he felt to crappy to keep lying down. Kenny and I are lame. Completely lame.

Where are the days of me going to Denver during the week and coming home at 4:30am only to have to wake up at 5:30? I would be totally fine the entire day! Not sleepy in the slightest.

Stupid adulthood.

6.24.2008

Clever, clever boys

Whenever Kenny and I go out of town, my mom stays at the house to "babysit" the girls. I never think twice about what is going on at home, but that will now change. After our return home from San Diego, Brad informed me that we were lucky. We're lucky they (Tad and Brad) decided not to mess with us. I told him my mom was there so they couldn't have done anything, to which he replied, "She would have totally gone in out it with us." True enough, Brad.

A few of their non-executed ideas:

1. Put confetti on top of the ceiling fan blades. When we turned them on-instant party!

2. Shave Hazel and glue the hair onto Clementine.

3. Saran wrap the toilets.

4.Cut labels off of cans in cupboard.

5. Sod your patio/garage. This actually would have been welcomed-sod is expensive!

6. Change the way the refrigerator door opens.

It is so on Brad(and Tad).....

6.20.2008

For Lisa

I wrote this right after our wedding in November of 2007. When Lisa was out here I was trying to tell her all about my horrific wedding planner, but could barely remember the details-repressed memories. Well Lisa, here you go. I actually remebered more than I thought!

As many of you know, I recently tied the knot. For the most part, it was a fabulous wedding/reception. I would just like to point out what, or should I say who, was not so fabulous.
1. Penelope=Penelzebub=Beelzebub=Satan I was REQUIRED to get a wedding coordinator at the church, no choice in the matter. They just randomly pick someone and I got Penalobe. She has got to be one of the most horrible people I have ever encountered in my entire life! Let me just share a few comments she made throughout our wedding experience:
A) (Speaking to Alanna) "It's a good thing you didn't have to hold the rings, otherwise you may have gotten some holy water on you." This comment was made after Alanna did not go up for communion after Penis-head TOLD her to because she was to "set an example".
B) (Speaking to me) "Is this part of the dysfunction?" She was talking about my family…..um…..
C) (Speaking to Monica) "Don't take these like you took my sunglasses." The Evil One lost her prescription sunglasses at the church and decided that one of us must have stolen them. She showed up to my reception and hunted down Monica asking where they were! She then told Monica she didn't trust her to call if she found the glasses, took her shoes off (then making the comment to Monica) and found my mom to tell her she needed to call as soon as she found them! My mom was like, "Yeah, whatever. Why are you here?"
D) (Speaking to me) The next day she called me while everyone was over to the house and said, "I cannot drive without my prescription sunglasses. Did you find them yet?" To which I replied, "Um…I'm kindof busy with the wedding and all right now. I'll give you a call if I find them. Do you think maybe YOU lost them?" Kronos answered with, "No. Someone took them. My husband has to drive me around because I cannot see without my prescription sunglasses. I have no way of getting around alone."
Seriously? Are you kidding me? Perhaps wearing her NORMAL glasses would help her to find her way!
She also did a few other things like put me in charge of my own rehearsal and make the groomsmen clean up after the wedding when they were supposed to be taking pictures…I'm pretty sure that all this was her job and that is what I was paying her to do, but what do I know? Apparently I was paying her to insult all my family and friends…..money well spent.

6.19.2008

Thanks a lot Food Network

“You don’t need to tell her. I bet she wouldn’t even notice.” This is what was said 10 minutes before I walked through the door with a scrunched nose, instant headache and a scowl on my face already annoyed with Kenny. Thanks to Food Network, Kenny decided that it would be a grand idea to clean our smoker and grill racks in the oven on self clean. Three problems with that. Well, actually a million problems with that, but three that stick out.
  1. Food Network said that is was ok to do if they were slightly dirty. SLIGHTLY. I don’t know that we have really ever scrubbed any of our racks. They were pretty nasty.
  2. Our oven is (was) brand stinkin’ new. Immaculate inside. Those days are gone. There is currently a layer of nastiness on the bottom of the oven now and he somehow managed to make burn marks on the top of the door. Oh, and the oven racks are bent from the weight of the other racks.
  3. The smell alone was enough to ruin my day.

I also heard that during the self clean process, there was a time when using the fire extinguisher was a definite possibility.

I wonder if I can sue the Food Network for a new oven? Oooh, or maybe I can get my own show? It would be some sort of show with a lot of traveling and involving desserts somehow. I would have to have a personal trainer traveling with me so I didn’t gain 1000 lbs from all the amazing treats I would consume...Sorry-I digress.

I am also not comforted by the fact that the words, “Don’t use the Dyson to vacuum out the oven.” had to leave my lips.

P.S. Will miss you already company! See? I told you there would be no Part II. You guys are so great and Henry is pretty much the cutest thing I have ever seen…he has our vote ;)

6.18.2008

Reusable coffee cozy

This morning I did a search for coffee cosy on Etsy and it came up with 70 pages of (mostly) adorable sleeves! I love these!



6.17.2008

Better than porn

I love when Kenny argues with people. He is one of the nicest people you will ever meet in your entire life, so it rarely happens. But when it does, it’s awesome.
He opened our phone/internet/tv bill last night and it was a lot more than usual. He was on the phone for a good 30 minutes saying things like, “Well, that’s not my problem.” and “How about this. I am not going to pay that and you are going to be the one to figure it out with them.” It made perfect sense why the bill was more and Kenny fully understood. He just decided that he didn’t like it, not one bit. He actually laughed at the guy a few times. You know, that super condescending and patronizing laugh? Yeah, that one. When he got off the phone, we just looked at eachother and smirked.
“So, you want me to just pay the bill?”
“Yeah, that’s fine. I’m just crabby and he was a good person to take it out on.”

6.14.2008

I paid for an entire seat

Kenny and I just got back from San Diego. We went out to visit Karl and Monica for a long weekend. We flew in on Thursday morning and went to a Padres game. We made our way to our seats and when I went to sit in mine, I noticed that half of it had disappeared. The man sitting next to me was very large, sweaty, and was wearing a fanny pack. How does his fanny pack fit into the story? Well, it was strapped to him and the pack was hanging in the middle of his legs.This made him sit with his legs spread eagle. His left leg was in my space. His fatness was oozing over into my seat. His arm was resting on my armrest and taking up half my seat. My hand to God, I had about 1/3 of my seat to myself. He then proceeded to wipe his hand across his face and look at his soaking hand. Sweat, tons of sweat. This man was so disgusting. He smelled like dust. He didn't move out of his seat once and had his "women" getting him hot dogs and beer. He had two women with him, very tan, very fake boobs, very makeup covered that definitely seemed to be "with" him. That fanny pack had to be filled with cash and diamonds. Why else would they hang around with him? Kenny and Karl were both very nice and asked if I wanted to switch seats with them. I stayed in the seat. I did not want to subject them to his aroma. Worst of all, the seat was actually ours! We had 4 tickets and he was in the 4th seat. Ugh.....flashbacks.

6.11.2008

Doooon't Stop Beeelievin'

Recap of Last Friday...I went up to Denver to have a fun night out on the town. Alanna just graduated with her Masters in Social Work! Gooooooooo Alanna! We were supposed to be to the bar at 9:30, but after we decided to get her sister, drive through downtown Denver on a Friday night after a Rockies game with everyone else trying to get to the bars, we did not show up until 10:30. We started off at Senger's, a nice bar on Colfax. While sitting at the outside bar, we started to take some pictures. The guy next to us kept glaring and making little comments about how the flash was disturbing him. It wasn't by the way. He was fine, I promise. His frustration turned into some sort of obsession, if you will, with a few of us. While holding his girlfriend's hand, he stared at us. Not normal staring, but creepy don’t walk down the alley alone or I make out with you and touch your boob staring. Anyways, while we were chatting this other guy comes over and sits right next to me. Very long story short, he mocked me, I yelled at him, he yelled back, I told him my name WAS actually Snooty McSnooterpants, he dropped his blackberry and was off to another bar all alone. All of a sudden we were leaving Senger's because someone said they wanted to go across the street to the Rock Bar. Let me paint a picture. It was on the bottom floor of a 3 story hotel, on Colfax. I am pretty sure the building was built in the 60's and has not been redecorated since. It smelled like a bowling alley and feet. We walked in and decided we needed drinks stat if we were going to embrace the stench. We all clearly looked like we did not belong. I ordered my beer and was given a CAN OF BEER. Who serves beer in a can? Then we made out way over to the disco ball dance floor and rocked out to some Journey. Don't Stop Believing is still ringing in my head. We danced next to a girl in sweats wearing a fannypack. I am pretty sure some guys "special purpose" touched my leg. And we cannot forget the regulars who looked less than thrilled that we took over their dance floor. At some point in the night we started to hang out with a guy named Chris and his friends. One of them being Nathan from Seattle Real World. I know-that was like 10 years ago. Whatever. Chris ended up being ditched and so he hung out with us the rest of the night. After some delicious Silvermine Subs (Am I right, Lacey?) we dropped Chris off at his friends house. He asked if we were going to hang out again and I told him no, probably not-said goodnight and saw him off. Overall-great night! Always fun hanging out with the girls!
All class people
Stupid finger covered the flash-still a cute picture though!
Rockin' to Journey
There are a lot more pictures from the night-on My Space and Facebook. I can also email them, so let me know! Well, I am off to San Diego until Sunday! Miss me!

6.10.2008

BioBags

I just recently purchased these for the girls. We go on a lot of walks and now I will even be helping the environment when they poop! Sometimes, I even amaze myself.

6.09.2008

Pardon moi?

Kenny was on his blackberry the other night texting back and forth with his sister. I was asking him what he was talking to her about and he told me she found a dog she likes. He showed a picture to me and then said, “ It’s a Bitchin’.”

“What? A Bitchin’? How is it spelled?”

“B-I-C-H-O-N”

Cracking up I say, “Oh, a Bee-shone”

6.05.2008

Honey, let’s wait another year or two

My cousin and her family were just here visiting from New York. They were here for about a week. Their son, Hayden, is 1 ½ and very cute. He is a great kid. I had to laugh though, because he showed Kenny and I that we are definitely not ready to pop one out any time soon.

We occasionally caught ourselves glaring at him, like we were thinking, “Grow up kid. Quit whining.”

I jokingly said, “Kenny, we cannot have kids until we can get a maid.” He agreed 100%. Seriously.

Even before Hayden left the house, Kenny started to clean EVERYTHING. He was wiping everything down, vacuuming, and dusting. Kenny does not clean unless bribed.

We have nothing in our house for kids. Nothing. No cute little plates or silverware. No toys. The poor child was playing with the dog toys half the time.

I was starting to think maybe I was ready to start a fam. Now I know......

Lisa, don’t worry. We really do love when kids visit the house. I swear!

6.03.2008

Gums McGummerson

Aunt Joanne: I am really nervous about going rafting tomorrow.
Moi: Why?
Aunt Joanne: I am afraid my teeth are going to fall out. (She wears dentures)
Moi: (Chuckling) Seriously?
Aunt Joanne: Yes, and it’s not funny.
Moi: Well, it is a little. Maybe you will just have to keep your mouth shut all day. (She talks more than anyone I have ever met in my entire life)
Aunt Joanne: What if I scream?
Moi: Do it with your mouth shut. What about duct tape?
Aunt Joanne: (Silence)
Moi: We can poke holes in it so you can breathe better. No? Glue gun?
Aunt Joanne: (Silence)
Moi: Fine. Leave them at home if you are honestly that worried about them.

At that point she took them out to show me what she looked like sans chompers. I would like to take this time to apologize for not having cameras in my eyes so I could post what I saw.

5.30.2008

Grilled Banana Chocolate Marshmallow Sandwiches

Kenny and I love these. I think we would probably make them every night if they wouldn't make us gain 25 lbs. per week. No, no. I am positive we would make them every single night. Maybe just eat these for dinner, with a milkshake. Then for dessert, we could have ice cream sundaes. Too much?

5.28.2008

Zzzzzzzz

I like my sleep. No, I love my sleep. It makes me very cranky when I miss out on sleep. I am not a nap person, I don’t need 10 hours a night, but when it’s time for bed, I can think of nothing else I would rather be doing. Plus, since we got our new bed, I am obsessed with sleeping more than ever.

I am sure that those of you with kids want to tell me to stick it, but I don’t have kids. These are the days to stockpile my sleeping hours. I know they will be few and far between if we ever decide to start a family. The stupid dogs are bad enough. The other night, Hazel decided she wanted to destroy the birds outside. We were sleeping with our window open and she was just running around the room going completely insane, listening to the hundreds of birds chirping. I was up at 3am that morning. I did not go back to bed. This was the beginning of "Who Needs Sleep 2008".

These past two weeks, for some reason, I cannot get to bed before midnight. I get up for work at 6am. I have learned that 6 hours is no good. I want 8. I have been dragging myself to work, barely awake, barely able to type, barely able to speak. I usually become coherent around noon. Thank God I do not operate heavy machinery. I would be a goner for sure.

5.27.2008

See it?

We found some baby grass this weekend in the backyard! Actually, Kris found it-but it's there! It's finally starting to come in! I tried to take a picture, but it was so small that it didn't turn out. Doesn't matter. It's there. I promise.

5.23.2008

Tough one to pull off

I know it's "Recipe Day", but frankly, I'm not in the mood. So, instead, I bring you this.

I have to admit, that I totally have a thing for guys with longer hair. There is just something about it. However, I am very particular on what flowy locks get my approval. Guys that have had the same hair since 1994 do not qualify.

Example
I realize that even if this guy had short hair, I would still not approve. It's pretty much a lose, lose situation for him. The shirt, the chain-yikes. And while we are on the subject of hair, facial hair is also very important. The poor guy couldn't even get that right. Well, neither can Kenny, but I still married him.

I do approve of the following (always and forever)
If I had never met Kenny, this is the type of fella I would have more than likely ended up with....He'''s jurst beautiiiflasfzx dansjklsahf slakhf adfdhwiefvxm,......sorry, hard to type while staring at perfection. Those eyes, that hair.....

Damnit Danielle

UGH-Nicole's sister apparently has nothing better to do. I've been tagged. Thanks a lot Danielle. If I don't do it, I am a party-pooper and if I do, I am just LAME. Well, look what option I chose. Damn you. It won't hurt my feelings if you don't read the rest of this post, really. And just for the record, I will not ever do this again. Got it?

The Rules:
Each player answers the questions about themselves. At the end of the post, the player tags other people and posts their name, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they've been tagged and asking them to read your blog. Here goes nothin'.

What was I doing 10 years ago?
Hmmm, 10 years ago I was almost done with my Junior year of high school. I probably had already checked out and was just going through the motions until summer break finally began. Beyond that, I remember nothing.

Five Snacks I Enjoy:
1. Meringues
2. Grapefruit
3. Cheese and crackers
4. Popcorn
5. Pretzels

Things I Would Do If I Were a Billionaire:
1. Travel
2. Donate
3. Take care of my family/friends (just one) forever
4. Have loads of fun
5. Build an eco-friendly house

Five Places I Have Lived:
1. New York
2. Arizona
3. Texas
4. Colorado
5. Dublin, Ireland (That one is just a wish)

Five People I Want to Get to Know Better (A nice way of saying “Tag. You’re it!”)
1. Amanda
2. Patti
3. Bonnie
4. Mimi
5. Scary Mommy

5.22.2008

To be young again

A family friend of ours graduated high school yesterday. We went over to their house last night where I met Chloe.

Hi. I’m Chloe and I’m 4.

Hello. I’m Lauren and I’m 26.

Twwwweeeeennnnnntyyy sixth?

Yep. That’s old huh?

Really old.

I remember when I was little and I used to think 30 was old. How times have changed.

5.20.2008

I definitely did not need to hear that

The people that I work with that have no sense of professionalism or secrecy when it comes to what they reveal about themselves during their workday.
There is one woman here, I swear to God, that has done or been involved with more messed up things than anyone I know. And I know some messed up people. It's fine. I am not judging her. But, the thing is, I am not her friend. I am barely an acquaintance and I know EVERYTHING about her.
There is also a group of people that sit behind me that "share" with each other throughout the day. I sit in awe, while pretending to listen to my iPod, listening to every word they say. Do they not see these conversations better fit for happy hour? Maybe they could dish their dirt at Starbucks one evening? Am I asking too much? I should say I used to just pretend to listen to my iPod. Now, I really do. I don't care what happened to them when they were little. I don't want to hear about how awesome it was when they cheated on their husband.
The only thing anyone knows about me here is that I am married and I actually like my husband. I do fun things with my weekends. We have been working on our house. That's it, and that's all they will ever know.
Every night when I leave this place, I think, wow-my life rocks. Everyone has their stories, their past, but my coworkers are some seriously F-ed up people.

5.19.2008

Check it off the damn list!

Saturday morning was sprinkler and seed day. We are DONE with our yard! Now, we wait. Hopefully grass will grow. It’s been two whole days and I am annoyed that there is still no green back there. This will definitely help to teach me some patience.

Trips I made to ABC plumbing for random sprinkler parts=25,003

Times Kenny called me a F-ing retard=1

Leaks Kenny had to fix in the crawl space=3

Total number of hours our entire house smelled like poop because of the topsoil=48 and counting

Times I whined about helping=Way more than I should have

Total number of times I went into the crawl space=0 (I will not go in that place……scary)

Number of times I swept the kitchen floor=3 before realizing that it would keep getting messed up-just leave it

Times I want to redo a yard again in my lifetime=0

Number of mac-n-cheese snacks consumed from Sonic=6 (Have you tried them? They are FRIED mac-n-cheese and they are TO DIE FOR)

5.16.2008

Gruyere Potato Gratin


I love cheese, so if I'm given an opportunity to add it to my food, I'm all over it.

1 pound large red potatoes
3/4 cup coarsely grated Gruyere (about 3 ounces)
1 large egg
3/4 cup milk, heated just to boiling
Salt and freshly ground black pepper

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F. Butter a 1-quart gratin or shallow baking dish.
Bring a large saucepan of salted water to a boil. Peel potatoes and cut into thin slices (about 1/8-inch thick). Add potatoes to boiling water and cook approx. 4 minutes (a bit longer in high altitude). Drain potatoes well in a colander.
In gratin or baking dish, arrange potatoes, overlapping them, in 3 layers, sprinkling first 2 layers each with 1/4 cup Gruyere and salt and pepper, to taste.
In a small bowl whisk egg and add hot milk in a stream, stirring constantly. Season mixture with salt and pepper and pour evenly over potatoes. Sprinkle the potatoes with remaining 1/4 cup cheese and bake until top is golden and potatoes are tender, about 30 minutes

5.13.2008

First Impressions

I think it is so interesting to see people’s first impression of me and then when they get to know me, how that drastically changes.

Many times, people tend to think I am a very proper person when we first meet. I don’t think I look very proper, but I guess it is a vibe I give off? The first time I drop an F-bomb, they look at me like, “Oh, isn’t that cute? The innocent girl just swore.” All those that know me, know that I use that word way more than I should. I know it can be tacky, but frankly, many times there is no better word. Fine, I’ll work on it…maybe.

Other times, people think that I am stuck up. This one is just based off of looks alone (I am not being conceited, that’s what I have been told.). I have had a bunch of people tell me that they were relieved when we met because they were not looking forward to it. They thought I would be super snobby and way stuck up. Again, I have my moments (for sure) but I would like to think, that they are just moments, not who I actually am. Could I be less caddy? Probably. Will it happen any time soon? Probably not.

A lot of times, people think I am loaded (money-wise, not alcohol-wise).
1. IF I was, do you think I would be working? Heck no! I am not one of those people that “likes” to work or thinks that it is something to do during the day. TRUST me, if I could not work, I would be all over it.
2. I got a pair of diamond studs (off of E-bay, for a penny. Yes, a PENNY) and I wear them every day and every day I get compliments on them and how beautiful they are. They are a carat each and look totally real. If someone flat out asked me if they were fake, I would totally tell them, but if they don’t, I keep my mouth shut. One day, 2 coworkers of mine were talking and one said to me, “Nice fake earrings.” The other guy jumped in and said, “Oh no. Lauren would never wear fake earrings. It’s not her style.” All the while I was just sitting there, smiling.
3. I do see how people can think this one though, although they are completely wrong. We are definitely fortunate, no complaints there. But, loaded? Not so much. I get peels once a month-from a friend. I get my hair done every 8 weeks-from a friend. My mom cuts it. You get the idea.

So, to sum it up. I am not as innocent as you may think. Far from it, actually. I am not proper. I am not rich. I am not stuck-up (most of the time). I do have a horrible sailor mouth. I wear fake diamonds and pretend they are real. I am a smart-ass, but mean no harm. I can be caddy from time to time. I like to have pretty hair and clear skin. Any questions?