Turn left now to enter Hell

When my mom and I were out in TX for Thanksgiving, we decided it would be fun to go to ICE, at the Gaylord hotel in Grapevine. We had to take two cars and I ended up in the car with my Aunt Joanne and my mom. I figured this was the better choice because the other car had two little kids in it. Yeah, I was totally wrong. We were supposed to follow my aunt there. You know, the person who actually lives out there and knows where she is going. We weren’t even 5 minutes from the house when all of a sudden my aunt J is passing my aunt C. Her and my mom are just chatting away and I ask her what she is doing. I look behind us and they are nowhere to be found. There is a ton of traffic and we have no idea where we are supposed to be. My cousin calls me, asks what the hell we are doing and then tells me where we need to go. I attempt to relay the info to my aunt J.

Turn onto the highway here. (There was only ONE option where she could go.)

Where?

Here. Take a right here.

Which way? Where am I supposed to go?

HERE. TAKE A RIGHT HERE.

Where the F am I supposed to turn?

Oh my God. Take a right here. Onto the only highway we can get onto right now.

Here? Here? Which way?

RIGHT.

My cousin would call every few minutes to let us know where we needed to be since they could not catch up to speedracer. By the way, we also had directions in the car with us. My mom printed them out JUST INCASE. We were doing alright for about 5 minutes and then aunt J decided to turn onto some other highway. Did my mom tell her to? No. Did my cousin call to tell us to? No. She just did. Before we left, J was telling us how Grapevine was at 1 o’clock to Fort Worth. Like, if you are looking at a map, it’s up to the right a bit. That is how she was planning on getting there. No map, no directions. I asked her is she knew how to get to “1 o’clock”, and she said no, but she would just head in that direction. Nevermind that there are a million and one different highways where we were. So, now we are on the wrong highway and my cousin calls to tell me that they did not turn there. No shit. My mom and I are trying to tell J to go back to the highway we were on and she, instead, pulls off to a gas station to buy a map. This is when I get a text saying that the other car is already at the hotel. J goes into the gas station, buys a map and gets back into the car. She hands the closed map to my mom and starts driving again making the decision to turn off again on the wrong highway.

My mom: Where are you going?

Aunt J: I don’t know.

MM: Why are you turning here? We need to get back to X highway.

AJ: (Flipping out) That’s neither here nor there, Shoulda, coulda,woulda. Where the F am I supposed to be now? That’s in the past! I don’t know nkjdsfdhfjd fjkdl ckj lakjhf ljfbk jlbvjk…………

Long story short(er), we ended up at the freaking airport. When we finally got to where we needed to be and there were signs specifically pointing to the hotel, she still ignored them. “Stay in the right lane” and she would merge to the left. “Turn left at light” and she would ask where she was supposed to go.

The ride back was a lot more quiet because no one was allowed to distract her. We made sure not to lose my aunt C, but the GPS decided to mess with us and take us a way that took twice as long.

What fun holiday family time.

I can only WORK at work?

Recently my work has fired about 6 people for inappropriate IM/email/Internet usage. That means 1)No more catching up on all my blogs or favorite websites from work and 2)No more blog posting at work. Frankly, the last thing I want to do when I get home is sit on the computer. I am in front of one for 8 hours a day and I think that is plenty. Unfortunately, this may mean less postings! I am not happy about it and will try to figure out a way to do it anyways. Work is my time to get personal things done! How dare they.

I will leave you with this…

The Girl in the Window

People at work were making fun of me when Christian didn't make me tear up. They said I had a heart of stone. Well, this one got me. Happy now?

For Lisa

I wrote this right after our wedding in November of 2007. When Lisa was out here I was trying to tell her all about my horrific wedding planner, but could barely remember the details-repressed memories. Well Lisa, here you go. I actually remebered more than I thought!

As many of you know, I recently tied the knot. For the most part, it was a fabulous wedding/reception. I would just like to point out what, or should I say who, was not so fabulous.
1. Penelope=Penelzebub=Beelzebub=Satan I was REQUIRED to get a wedding coordinator at the church, no choice in the matter. They just randomly pick someone and I got Penalobe. She has got to be one of the most horrible people I have ever encountered in my entire life! Let me just share a few comments she made throughout our wedding experience:
A) (Speaking to Alanna) "It's a good thing you didn't have to hold the rings, otherwise you may have gotten some holy water on you." This comment was made after Alanna did not go up for communion after Penis-head TOLD her to because she was to "set an example".
B) (Speaking to me) "Is this part of the dysfunction?" She was talking about my family…..um…..
C) (Speaking to Monica) "Don't take these like you took my sunglasses." The Evil One lost her prescription sunglasses at the church and decided that one of us must have stolen them. She showed up to my reception and hunted down Monica asking where they were! She then told Monica she didn't trust her to call if she found the glasses, took her shoes off (then making the comment to Monica) and found my mom to tell her she needed to call as soon as she found them! My mom was like, "Yeah, whatever. Why are you here?"
D) (Speaking to me) The next day she called me while everyone was over to the house and said, "I cannot drive without my prescription sunglasses. Did you find them yet?" To which I replied, "Um…I'm kindof busy with the wedding and all right now. I'll give you a call if I find them. Do you think maybe YOU lost them?" Kronos answered with, "No. Someone took them. My husband has to drive me around because I cannot see without my prescription sunglasses. I have no way of getting around alone."
Seriously? Are you kidding me? Perhaps wearing her NORMAL glasses would help her to find her way!
She also did a few other things like put me in charge of my own rehearsal and make the groomsmen clean up after the wedding when they were supposed to be taking pictures…I'm pretty sure that all this was her job and that is what I was paying her to do, but what do I know? Apparently I was paying her to insult all my family and friends…..money well spent.

I paid for an entire seat

Kenny and I just got back from San Diego. We went out to visit Karl and Monica for a long weekend. We flew in on Thursday morning and went to a Padres game. We made our way to our seats and when I went to sit in mine, I noticed that half of it had disappeared. The man sitting next to me was very large, sweaty, and was wearing a fanny pack. How does his fanny pack fit into the story? Well, it was strapped to him and the pack was hanging in the middle of his legs.This made him sit with his legs spread eagle. His left leg was in my space. His fatness was oozing over into my seat. His arm was resting on my armrest and taking up half my seat. My hand to God, I had about 1/3 of my seat to myself. He then proceeded to wipe his hand across his face and look at his soaking hand. Sweat, tons of sweat. This man was so disgusting. He smelled like dust. He didn't move out of his seat once and had his "women" getting him hot dogs and beer. He had two women with him, very tan, very fake boobs, very makeup covered that definitely seemed to be "with" him. That fanny pack had to be filled with cash and diamonds. Why else would they hang around with him? Kenny and Karl were both very nice and asked if I wanted to switch seats with them. I stayed in the seat. I did not want to subject them to his aroma. Worst of all, the seat was actually ours! We had 4 tickets and he was in the 4th seat. Ugh.....flashbacks.

Excuse you!

Friday morning, I had to take my mom to get a colonoscopy (she will love that I shared that). Anyways, that had to have been one of the most uncomfortable places ever to place a person such as myself. Anyone that knows me, knows that I am very opposed to anything having to do with backsides. I hate my butt, think it's too fat. I have never passed gas, farted, dropped ass, whatever you want to call it, in front of Kenny for as long as I have known him (over 9 years). I don't go #2 when he is around or when he will be around any time soon. For the longest time, he would have sworn on a bible that I never did it at all. This is all kindof funny, because if any of you know Kenny, you know that he, along with the rest of the McKee boys, well, to sum it up, have some pretty foul asses. Opposites attract I guess. I digress...

This place was like my hell. Every sentence, conversation, and word spoken in that place had to do with poop, colons, buttholes, etc.....It was all I could do to sit there and act like this was completely fine for me. Around every curtain you heard people endlessly farting. I guess they puff air into your colon and so it has to come back out afterwards. It was a symphony of ass trumpets.

When they were explaining the procedure to my mom, they said that they take the scope and go through FIVE feet of her business, then, get this, they take a picture when they get to the other side. To show that they made it. What? So, they are basically comparing a colonoscopy to climbing Pikes Peak? Make sure you get a picture when you get to the top! You want proof you made it, right?

Then all I could think of is that these people work here, every single day. This is their job. This doctor probes peoples butts for a living. I guess maybe I should stop complaining about mine. Things can always be worse.