Hello. May I speak to Darwin please?
This is him.
Hi. This is Lauren with AAA. (Then I said a bunch of other completely non-important stuff to let him know his vehicle is totaled.)
Can I tell you something first? You have a very sexy voice over the phone.
Um, Ok. I would just like to verify some information.
Mmmmm. Go ahead.
At this point I went through all his information and I could tell he was not even listening to what I was saying.
Can I ask you something off the record?
Ask whatever you would like, however this is being recorded.
Oh, nevermind. It was a reeeeeeaaaaaaaallllly good question.
Right. Well, would you like to think about your options and give me a call tomorrow?
I would love to. I can't wait to talk to you again. I am reeeeaaaalllly looking forward to it.
I need to shower.
Where are the days of me going to Denver during the week and coming home at 4:30am only to have to wake up at 5:30? I would be totally fine the entire day! Not sleepy in the slightest.
A few of their non-executed ideas:
1. Put confetti on top of the ceiling fan blades. When we turned them on-instant party!
2. Shave Hazel and glue the hair onto Clementine.
3. Saran wrap the toilets.
4.Cut labels off of cans in cupboard.
5. Sod your patio/garage. This actually would have been welcomed-sod is expensive!
6. Change the way the refrigerator door opens.
It is so on Brad(and Tad).....
As many of you know, I recently tied the knot. For the most part, it was a fabulous wedding/reception. I would just like to point out what, or should I say who, was not so fabulous.
1. Penelope=Penelzebub=Beelzebub=Satan I was REQUIRED to get a wedding coordinator at the church, no choice in the matter. They just randomly pick someone and I got Penalobe. She has got to be one of the most horrible people I have ever encountered in my entire life! Let me just share a few comments she made throughout our wedding experience:
A) (Speaking to Alanna) "It's a good thing you didn't have to hold the rings, otherwise you may have gotten some holy water on you." This comment was made after Alanna did not go up for communion after Penis-head TOLD her to because she was to "set an example".
B) (Speaking to me) "Is this part of the dysfunction?" She was talking about my family…..um…..
C) (Speaking to Monica) "Don't take these like you took my sunglasses." The Evil One lost her prescription sunglasses at the church and decided that one of us must have stolen them. She showed up to my reception and hunted down Monica asking where they were! She then told Monica she didn't trust her to call if she found the glasses, took her shoes off (then making the comment to Monica) and found my mom to tell her she needed to call as soon as she found them! My mom was like, "Yeah, whatever. Why are you here?"
D) (Speaking to me) The next day she called me while everyone was over to the house and said, "I cannot drive without my prescription sunglasses. Did you find them yet?" To which I replied, "Um…I'm kindof busy with the wedding and all right now. I'll give you a call if I find them. Do you think maybe YOU lost them?" Kronos answered with, "No. Someone took them. My husband has to drive me around because I cannot see without my prescription sunglasses. I have no way of getting around alone."
Seriously? Are you kidding me? Perhaps wearing her NORMAL glasses would help her to find her way!
She also did a few other things like put me in charge of my own rehearsal and make the groomsmen clean up after the wedding when they were supposed to be taking pictures…I'm pretty sure that all this was her job and that is what I was paying her to do, but what do I know? Apparently I was paying her to insult all my family and friends…..money well spent.
- Food Network said that is was ok to do if they were slightly dirty. SLIGHTLY. I don’t know that we have really ever scrubbed any of our racks. They were pretty nasty.
- Our oven is (was) brand stinkin’ new. Immaculate inside. Those days are gone. There is currently a layer of nastiness on the bottom of the oven now and he somehow managed to make burn marks on the top of the door. Oh, and the oven racks are bent from the weight of the other racks.
- The smell alone was enough to ruin my day.
I also heard that during the self clean process, there was a time when using the fire extinguisher was a definite possibility.
I wonder if I can sue the Food Network for a new oven? Oooh, or maybe I can get my own show? It would be some sort of show with a lot of traveling and involving desserts somehow. I would have to have a personal trainer traveling with me so I didn’t gain 1000 lbs from all the amazing treats I would consume...Sorry-I digress.
I am also not comforted by the fact that the words, “Don’t use the Dyson to vacuum out the oven.” had to leave my lips.
P.S. Will miss you already company! See? I told you there would be no Part II. You guys are so great and Henry is pretty much the cutest thing I have ever seen…he has our vote ;)
He opened our phone/internet/tv bill last night and it was a lot more than usual. He was on the phone for a good 30 minutes saying things like, “Well, that’s not my problem.” and “How about this. I am not going to pay that and you are going to be the one to figure it out with them.” It made perfect sense why the bill was more and Kenny fully understood. He just decided that he didn’t like it, not one bit. He actually laughed at the guy a few times. You know, that super condescending and patronizing laugh? Yeah, that one. When he got off the phone, we just looked at eachother and smirked.
“So, you want me to just pay the bill?”
“Yeah, that’s fine. I’m just crabby and he was a good person to take it out on.”
“What? A Bitchin’? How is it spelled?”
Cracking up I say, “Oh, a Bee-shone”
We occasionally caught ourselves glaring at him, like we were thinking, “Grow up kid. Quit whining.”
I jokingly said, “Kenny, we cannot have kids until we can get a maid.” He agreed 100%. Seriously.
Even before Hayden left the house, Kenny started to clean EVERYTHING. He was wiping everything down, vacuuming, and dusting. Kenny does not clean unless bribed.
We have nothing in our house for kids. Nothing. No cute little plates or silverware. No toys. The poor child was playing with the dog toys half the time.
I was starting to think maybe I was ready to start a fam. Now I know......
Lisa, don’t worry. We really do love when kids visit the house. I swear!
Aunt Joanne: I am afraid my teeth are going to fall out. (She wears dentures)
Moi: (Chuckling) Seriously?
Aunt Joanne: Yes, and it’s not funny.
Moi: Well, it is a little. Maybe you will just have to keep your mouth shut all day. (She talks more than anyone I have ever met in my entire life)
Aunt Joanne: What if I scream?
Moi: Do it with your mouth shut. What about duct tape?
Aunt Joanne: (Silence)
Moi: We can poke holes in it so you can breathe better. No? Glue gun?
Aunt Joanne: (Silence)
Moi: Fine. Leave them at home if you are honestly that worried about them.
At that point she took them out to show me what she looked like sans chompers. I would like to take this time to apologize for not having cameras in my eyes so I could post what I saw.