To do list

1. Stop eating for at least one hour out of the day. Time I am sleeping does not count, although it totally should.

2. Clean my house. I mean really clean it. The outside and inside have started to become one with the grass bits and little dirty paw prints on the floor. Also, the dust-bunnies may or may not be close to the same size as the dogs.

3. Get some sun. Not a lot. Just enough. I think being almost translucent is wrong in so many ways.

4. Go through my DVR. I have no clue why half the shows on there are being recorded, but it is taking up “Keeping up with the Kardashians” room. And, while I am at it, go through my “friends”. Get rid of some of those too.

5. Get next Wednesday’s post ready. It’s a good one, Internet.

I am so telling on you.

My mom is coming over to the house after work tonight to hang out with the girls. Yes, she is my dog babysitter. I feel awful leaving them alone all night after I have been at work all day. Ok? Back off. I was talking to Kenny on the phone and told him that my mom would be over around 5.

K: What? Why? I just cleaned the floors.

L: She is coming over to hang out with the girls. What do the floors have to do with it?

K: She is going to mess them up. She's messy. (My mom has made me into the insanely anal person I am today. True, she is a lot more relaxed then she used to be, however.....)

L: How? How is she going to mess them up?

K: She just will. I just cleaned them.

L: I am so telling on you.

It could be worse

A friend of mine had her father-in-law visit last week. He sounds like quite the guy. She told my mom these two stories, but couldn't get through an entire sentence without gagging.

They were all in the car driving one day. T (my friend) was in the back seat behind the passenger, the FIL*. Her husband was driving. They had just finished eating and her FIL had some food in his teeth. Let's first review the proper ways to handle this.
1. Wait until you get home and then brush.
2. Floss in the car (Kindof gross, but I have been known to do it).
3. Make that annoying sucky, slurpy sound while trying to suck the food out from between your teeth.
Her FIL unfortunately chose non of the above. He decided that, instead, he was going to take them out (he wears dentures) and LICK them clean. He sat there holding his chompers and licked all the food out. Are you gagging yet? My stomach just turned.

On another car trip in the same week, they had one of their daughters with them . She was sitting directly behind the lovely FIL. Her mom kept telling her to roll her window up. She had told her 5 or 6 times and was ignored every time. Well, FIL felt the need to hawk a loogey (I just gagged) and upon doing so it went out the front window and came right back into the back and onto the daughter. All she could do was sit there, frozen with disgust. This, children, is why you should listen to your parents. If you don't, you'll end up with a loogey on your shirt.

*FIL=Father-in-law, incase you couldn't figure it out.

Thanks a lot Food Network

“You don’t need to tell her. I bet she wouldn’t even notice.” This is what was said 10 minutes before I walked through the door with a scrunched nose, instant headache and a scowl on my face already annoyed with Kenny. Thanks to Food Network, Kenny decided that it would be a grand idea to clean our smoker and grill racks in the oven on self clean. Three problems with that. Well, actually a million problems with that, but three that stick out.

1. Food Network said that is was ok to do if they were slightly dirty. SLIGHTLY. I don’t know that we have really ever scrubbed any of our racks. They were pretty nasty.
2. Our oven is (was) brand stinkin’ new. Immaculate inside. Those days are gone. There is currently a layer of nastiness on the bottom of the oven now and he somehow managed to make burn marks on the top of the door. Oh, and the oven racks are bent from the weight of the other racks.
3. The smell alone was enough to ruin my day.

I also heard that during the self clean process, there was a time when using the fire extinguisher was a definite possibility.

I wonder if I can sue the Food Network for a new oven? Oooh, or maybe I can get my own show? It would be some sort of show with a lot of traveling and involving desserts somehow. I would have to have a personal trainer traveling with me so I didn’t gain 1000 lbs from all the amazing treats I would consume...Sorry-I digress.

I am also not comforted by the fact that the words, “Don’t use the Dyson to vacuum out the oven.” had to leave my lips.

P.S. Will miss you already company! See? I told you there would be no Part II. You guys are so great and Henry is pretty much the cutest thing I have ever seen…he has our vote ;)

Honey, let’s wait another year or two

My cousin and her family were just here visiting from New York. They were here for about a week. Their son, Hayden, is 1 ½ and very cute. He is a great kid. I had to laugh though, because he showed Kenny and I that we are definitely not ready to pop one out any time soon.

We occasionally caught ourselves glaring at him, like we were thinking, “Grow up kid. Quit whining.”

I jokingly said, “Kenny, we cannot have kids until we can get a maid.” He agreed 100%. Seriously.

Even before Hayden left the house, Kenny started to clean EVERYTHING. He was wiping everything down, vacuuming, and dusting. Kenny does not clean unless bribed.

We have nothing in our house for kids. Nothing. No cute little plates or silverware. No toys. The poor child was playing with the dog toys half the time.

I was starting to think maybe I was ready to start a fam. Now I know......

Lisa, don’t worry. We really do love when kids visit the house. I swear!