Why I love kids

I received this email from my best friend, Nicole, the other day:

Yesterday Noah and I went to the dollar store so he could get gifts for Luc and Sam with his own money. He picked a book for Sam and a wand for Luci. We get home, and of course he cant wait, so we give them their gifts. Sam then tears his book apart (its a Christmas pop-up) and Noah gets upset. I say under my breath "That's what happens when we buy cheap toys made in China"

Well, this morning...low and behold, Lucis wand breaks. She is crying and Noah says "well, that's what happens to toys made in your vagina" shrugs his shoulders and walks out of the room.


Turn left now to enter Hell

When my mom and I were out in TX for Thanksgiving, we decided it would be fun to go to ICE, at the Gaylord hotel in Grapevine. We had to take two cars and I ended up in the car with my Aunt Joanne and my mom. I figured this was the better choice because the other car had two little kids in it. Yeah, I was totally wrong. We were supposed to follow my aunt there. You know, the person who actually lives out there and knows where she is going. We weren’t even 5 minutes from the house when all of a sudden my aunt J is passing my aunt C. Her and my mom are just chatting away and I ask her what she is doing. I look behind us and they are nowhere to be found. There is a ton of traffic and we have no idea where we are supposed to be. My cousin calls me, asks what the hell we are doing and then tells me where we need to go. I attempt to relay the info to my aunt J.

Turn onto the highway here. (There was only ONE option where she could go.)


Here. Take a right here.

Which way? Where am I supposed to go?


Where the F am I supposed to turn?

Oh my God. Take a right here. Onto the only highway we can get onto right now.

Here? Here? Which way?


My cousin would call every few minutes to let us know where we needed to be since they could not catch up to speedracer. By the way, we also had directions in the car with us. My mom printed them out JUST INCASE. We were doing alright for about 5 minutes and then aunt J decided to turn onto some other highway. Did my mom tell her to? No. Did my cousin call to tell us to? No. She just did. Before we left, J was telling us how Grapevine was at 1 o’clock to Fort Worth. Like, if you are looking at a map, it’s up to the right a bit. That is how she was planning on getting there. No map, no directions. I asked her is she knew how to get to “1 o’clock”, and she said no, but she would just head in that direction. Nevermind that there are a million and one different highways where we were. So, now we are on the wrong highway and my cousin calls to tell me that they did not turn there. No shit. My mom and I are trying to tell J to go back to the highway we were on and she, instead, pulls off to a gas station to buy a map. This is when I get a text saying that the other car is already at the hotel. J goes into the gas station, buys a map and gets back into the car. She hands the closed map to my mom and starts driving again making the decision to turn off again on the wrong highway.

My mom: Where are you going?

Aunt J: I don’t know.

MM: Why are you turning here? We need to get back to X highway.

AJ: (Flipping out) That’s neither here nor there, Shoulda, coulda,woulda. Where the F am I supposed to be now? That’s in the past! I don’t know nkjdsfdhfjd fjkdl ckj lakjhf ljfbk jlbvjk…………

Long story short(er), we ended up at the freaking airport. When we finally got to where we needed to be and there were signs specifically pointing to the hotel, she still ignored them. “Stay in the right lane” and she would merge to the left. “Turn left at light” and she would ask where she was supposed to go.

The ride back was a lot more quiet because no one was allowed to distract her. We made sure not to lose my aunt C, but the GPS decided to mess with us and take us a way that took twice as long.

What fun holiday family time.


Just give up now

Every single year I send out Christmas cards to friends and family. I order them in October and address them by the beginning of November. I make sure to send out emails well in advance asking for addresses that I have lost or that I never had to begin with.

The cards are mailed out the day after Thanksgiving-the “official” beginning of the Christmas season as far as I am concerned. If I am not home to do it, Kenny sends them out for me.

I am noticing that more and more people are trying to compete with me! I have already received TWO cards! I also got an email from someone saying they were trying to beat me but received my card the other day!

Fools-just quit trying. I am the champion of Christmas cards. Don’t mess with the best.