What the deuce, man

I love Kenny. I adore Kenny. I know how Kenny is when it comes to matters of the backside, and I still love him.

I do not love that Kenny feels the need to leave the bathroom door open when he is dropping a deuce “for better acoustics” or how he describes, in great detail, the piece of crap that just wouldn’t flush. Is it essential that I know this? Does it benefit me in any way? No. He also thinks that when he is in the bathroom, that is an excellent time to catch up with friends/family.

Note: If you ever talk to Kenny on the phone and there is an echo, there is a 99% chance he is on the pot.

This is what we argue about

Me: I am headed up to Denver this weekend to go out with Alanna, Lacey and Brie.

Kenny: You are headed down to Denver?

Me: What? No, up to Denver. It is north of us.

Kenny: But, it's lower in elevation, so you are going down to Denver.

Me: That is a ridiculous way of thinking of things. Pretty much anywhere we go would be "down". (We are at about 6500 ft. here in C Springs)

Kenny: Right. Shouldn't be hard to remember then.

Me: (Rolling eyes) Whatever. I am going to Denver.

I meant positive motivation, jerk

I told Kenny that I need him to motivate me to run and ride our bikes more. I always have the intention of doing something after work, but by the time Kenny walks through the door an hour after I've been there, all I want to do is hang out and make dinner.

On Sunday morning this is the first thing I heard after I woke up. This is not what I meant by motivation. "Good morning. Quit being lazy. Let's ride to Kim and Brad's." Um…..Lazy is lying on the couch all day watching tv and eating pizza. Lazy is not waking up at 7:30 in the morning and barely having my eyes open. Then, on our bike ride, we had to go up the biggest hill in existence of the world. Ok, fine. Not the biggest hill in existence, but I hate hills. I hate them and we cannot avoid them. There are hills all around this stupid town. Big hills, little hills. They taunt me. We went up a small-ish hill and then around a corner. There it was-the stupid ginormous hill. I looked at it and told Kenny I was going home. I didn't want to do it. He glared at me and said, "Quit being a baby." I went up the damn hill, although I walked my bike up most of it.

When we got home, I had to clarify what I meant by motivation. Being a jerk and calling me a lazy baby is not the way to get me to do things. He said, "Well, it made you go up the hill, didn't it?"

Thanks a lot Food Network

“You don’t need to tell her. I bet she wouldn’t even notice.” This is what was said 10 minutes before I walked through the door with a scrunched nose, instant headache and a scowl on my face already annoyed with Kenny. Thanks to Food Network, Kenny decided that it would be a grand idea to clean our smoker and grill racks in the oven on self clean. Three problems with that. Well, actually a million problems with that, but three that stick out.

1. Food Network said that is was ok to do if they were slightly dirty. SLIGHTLY. I don’t know that we have really ever scrubbed any of our racks. They were pretty nasty.
2. Our oven is (was) brand stinkin’ new. Immaculate inside. Those days are gone. There is currently a layer of nastiness on the bottom of the oven now and he somehow managed to make burn marks on the top of the door. Oh, and the oven racks are bent from the weight of the other racks.
3. The smell alone was enough to ruin my day.

I also heard that during the self clean process, there was a time when using the fire extinguisher was a definite possibility.

I wonder if I can sue the Food Network for a new oven? Oooh, or maybe I can get my own show? It would be some sort of show with a lot of traveling and involving desserts somehow. I would have to have a personal trainer traveling with me so I didn’t gain 1000 lbs from all the amazing treats I would consume...Sorry-I digress.

I am also not comforted by the fact that the words, “Don’t use the Dyson to vacuum out the oven.” had to leave my lips.

P.S. Will miss you already company! See? I told you there would be no Part II. You guys are so great and Henry is pretty much the cutest thing I have ever seen…he has our vote ;)

Check it off the damn list!

Saturday morning was sprinkler and seed day. We are DONE with our yard! Now, we wait. Hopefully grass will grow. It’s been two whole days and I am annoyed that there is still no green back there. This will definitely help to teach me some patience.

Trips I made to ABC plumbing for random sprinkler parts=25,003

Times Kenny called me a F-ing retard=1

Leaks Kenny had to fix in the crawl space=3

Total number of hours our entire house smelled like poop because of the topsoil=48 and counting

Times I whined about helping=Way more than I should have

Total number of times I went into the crawl space=0 (I will not go in that place……scary)

Number of times I swept the kitchen floor=3 before realizing that it would keep getting messed up-just leave it

Times I want to redo a yard again in my lifetime=0

Number of mac-n-cheese snacks consumed from Sonic=6 (Have you tried them? They are FRIED mac-n-cheese and they are TO DIE FOR)

How is this even fair?

I have two tattoos. For my 16th birthday, my mom took me to get my first tattoo. I picked out a sun. Why? I have no idea. Do I love suns? No. Do I love summer? No. Was there any sort of significance to getting a sun tattooed on my lower back? No. Needless to say, I had it covered with a maple leaf and two aspen leaves a couple years back. Much better. My second tattoo was a spur of the moment sort of thing. I went with some people (I hesitate to say friends because, frankly, they weren’t) one night to the tattoo place so they could all get one. They were all looking through the books and were having problems deciding. I found a really cool Celtic knot and decided, what the hell. One hour later, I had some new ink. For some reason I was really nervous about telling Kenny. It’s not that he tells me what I can and cannot do, but I just know he is not a fan. Prior to this, there was a piercing incident. Anyways, I think it was about two days later, we were hanging out with Kris and Patrick (who knew about it already and were also afraid for me) and Kris was showing her tattoo to Patrick for some reason. I chimed in and said, “Oh yeah. Kenny, look at this.” I swear to you, he did not speak to me for THREE days. He was totally pissed. “They make you ugly.” Real nice.

Why am I telling you all of this?

Kenny: So, I want to get a tattoo.

Me: Right on. So, I can schedule the other one I want to get then?

Kenny: Oh, no. YOU can’t get anymore.

Riiiiiiiigggggghhhhhhhht…..

If it makes you happy

Me: So, I ordered the most adorable reusable grocery bags last night. I am so excited to use them!

Kenny: Wow. That sounds like a big waste of money. They are free at the store.

Me: Yes, but that is very wasteful.

Kenny: I really don't see the point.

Me: Well, they make me happy, so that should be enough. I don't see the point of your stupid remote control helicopter, but it makes you happy. That's enough for me. Plus, I won't break a part on my reusable bags every time I use them making me spend even more money like you do with your helicopter.

Kenny: That is true.

Lauren-1
Kenny-0

Still happily married

Kenny sticking each tiny little square to the wall. I stopped just long enough to take this picture.

Do you think he would let me get away with not helping?

Done! Even the dogs are tired...

Well, I am happy to say that Kenny and I will not be getting a divorce after last night's project which, by the way, consumed 2 1/2 hours of our life. I never want to see another little tiny organic square decal again, but other than that we're good!Kenny only talked to me like I was 4 once. I rolled my eyes twice. He pushed me out of his way a few times, only to have me push back. The words, "Do you want me to just leave and you can do this yourself?" only left my lips one time. I almost destroyed about 4 columns of squares by making them all stick to eachother, but Kenny saved the day.

I was going to count every single square so I could say how many I touched. Yes, we had to rub EVERY SINGLE SQUARE off of the backing paper onto the wall.

UPDATE: Bought it here! By the way, this entire site is amazing! http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5226382

Divorce worthy?

I ordered a really cool wall decal for above our bed last week. It was delivered today. I am really excited to have it up, however I am a bit scared about putting it up. It is 8 1/2 feet wide and I would say there are about 1 bajillion little tiny squares to stick to the wall.

I may or may not be getting a divorce after this is said and done. I see yelling and bickering about whether or not it is straight and if the air bubbles are all out in the very near future.

I'll let you know.