My new job

I think I fell into my new job today: Phone sex operator

Hello. May I speak to Darwin please?

This is him.

Hi. This is Lauren with AAA. (Then I said a bunch of other completely non-important stuff to let him know his vehicle is totaled.)

Can I tell you something first? You have a very sexy voice over the phone.

Um, Ok. I would just like to verify some information.

Mmmmm. Go ahead.

At this point I went through all his information and I could tell he was not even listening to what I was saying.

Can I ask you something off the record?

Ask whatever you would like, however this is being recorded.

Oh, nevermind. It was a reeeeeeaaaaaaaallllly good question.

Right. Well, would you like to think about your options and give me a call tomorrow?

I would love to. I can't wait to talk to you again. I am reeeeaaaalllly looking forward to it.



I need to shower.

Time for improvement s'il vous plait

It’s getting really hard for me to be positive. All I hear about all day, every day is GLOBAL WARMING and THE ECONOMY IS IN THE SHITTER. I know that regardless of what happens, Kenny and I can make though, but it really puts a damper on my day. I am making myself sick even typing about it now. On top of that, the people that I currently sit next to at work talk so negatively the entire day. We are all going to get canned. This place sucks. I hate it here. I get it! If it’s so bad, leave! It’s enough for me to read articles on rising gas prices, food costs going through the roof and record number of homeless on the streets. I don’t need to hear your unnecessary complaining on top of it. It honestly is getting difficult for me to find the positive in what is going on. I know, it always gets better, but I am tired of waiting. I have noticed the ways that it is affecting me and my well being and I don’t appreciate it. I do thank God that we are both still employed (at this time) and that we are very fortunate in general. I am just waiting for something to go wrong.

Pasta Salad

With the 4th of July right around the corner, I figured a delicious pasta salad recipe would be perfect! It's quick and easy, so enjoy!

This just in: We're old

After work yesterday, Kenny met up with some friends at a bar. He called me and asked if I wanted to join them for a beer or two. Fast forward to this morning and you will find two hungover folks. Did we even drink that much? Not really. Did we go to bed later than usual? Nope. I am so tired, I swear to God I could fall asleep under my desk right now. Nothing has ever sounded more appealing actually. I have gone through two Sigg bottles of water and have yet to pee. Kenny had to wake up and get out of bed because he said he felt to crappy to keep lying down. Kenny and I are lame. Completely lame.

Where are the days of me going to Denver during the week and coming home at 4:30am only to have to wake up at 5:30? I would be totally fine the entire day! Not sleepy in the slightest.

Stupid adulthood.

Clever, clever boys

Whenever Kenny and I go out of town, my mom stays at the house to "babysit" the girls. I never think twice about what is going on at home, but that will now change. After our return home from San Diego, Brad informed me that we were lucky. We're lucky they (Tad and Brad) decided not to mess with us. I told him my mom was there so they couldn't have done anything, to which he replied, "She would have totally gone in out it with us." True enough, Brad.

A few of their non-executed ideas:

1. Put confetti on top of the ceiling fan blades. When we turned them on-instant party!

2. Shave Hazel and glue the hair onto Clementine.

3. Saran wrap the toilets.

4.Cut labels off of cans in cupboard.

5. Sod your patio/garage. This actually would have been welcomed-sod is expensive!

6. Change the way the refrigerator door opens.

It is so on Brad(and Tad).....

For Lisa

I wrote this right after our wedding in November of 2007. When Lisa was out here I was trying to tell her all about my horrific wedding planner, but could barely remember the details-repressed memories. Well Lisa, here you go. I actually remebered more than I thought!

As many of you know, I recently tied the knot. For the most part, it was a fabulous wedding/reception. I would just like to point out what, or should I say who, was not so fabulous.
1. Penelope=Penelzebub=Beelzebub=Satan I was REQUIRED to get a wedding coordinator at the church, no choice in the matter. They just randomly pick someone and I got Penalobe. She has got to be one of the most horrible people I have ever encountered in my entire life! Let me just share a few comments she made throughout our wedding experience:
A) (Speaking to Alanna) "It's a good thing you didn't have to hold the rings, otherwise you may have gotten some holy water on you." This comment was made after Alanna did not go up for communion after Penis-head TOLD her to because she was to "set an example".
B) (Speaking to me) "Is this part of the dysfunction?" She was talking about my family…..um…..
C) (Speaking to Monica) "Don't take these like you took my sunglasses." The Evil One lost her prescription sunglasses at the church and decided that one of us must have stolen them. She showed up to my reception and hunted down Monica asking where they were! She then told Monica she didn't trust her to call if she found the glasses, took her shoes off (then making the comment to Monica) and found my mom to tell her she needed to call as soon as she found them! My mom was like, "Yeah, whatever. Why are you here?"
D) (Speaking to me) The next day she called me while everyone was over to the house and said, "I cannot drive without my prescription sunglasses. Did you find them yet?" To which I replied, "Um…I'm kindof busy with the wedding and all right now. I'll give you a call if I find them. Do you think maybe YOU lost them?" Kronos answered with, "No. Someone took them. My husband has to drive me around because I cannot see without my prescription sunglasses. I have no way of getting around alone."
Seriously? Are you kidding me? Perhaps wearing her NORMAL glasses would help her to find her way!
She also did a few other things like put me in charge of my own rehearsal and make the groomsmen clean up after the wedding when they were supposed to be taking pictures…I'm pretty sure that all this was her job and that is what I was paying her to do, but what do I know? Apparently I was paying her to insult all my family and friends…..money well spent.

Thanks a lot Food Network

“You don’t need to tell her. I bet she wouldn’t even notice.” This is what was said 10 minutes before I walked through the door with a scrunched nose, instant headache and a scowl on my face already annoyed with Kenny. Thanks to Food Network, Kenny decided that it would be a grand idea to clean our smoker and grill racks in the oven on self clean. Three problems with that. Well, actually a million problems with that, but three that stick out.

1. Food Network said that is was ok to do if they were slightly dirty. SLIGHTLY. I don’t know that we have really ever scrubbed any of our racks. They were pretty nasty.
2. Our oven is (was) brand stinkin’ new. Immaculate inside. Those days are gone. There is currently a layer of nastiness on the bottom of the oven now and he somehow managed to make burn marks on the top of the door. Oh, and the oven racks are bent from the weight of the other racks.
3. The smell alone was enough to ruin my day.

I also heard that during the self clean process, there was a time when using the fire extinguisher was a definite possibility.

I wonder if I can sue the Food Network for a new oven? Oooh, or maybe I can get my own show? It would be some sort of show with a lot of traveling and involving desserts somehow. I would have to have a personal trainer traveling with me so I didn’t gain 1000 lbs from all the amazing treats I would consume...Sorry-I digress.

I am also not comforted by the fact that the words, “Don’t use the Dyson to vacuum out the oven.” had to leave my lips.

P.S. Will miss you already company! See? I told you there would be no Part II. You guys are so great and Henry is pretty much the cutest thing I have ever seen…he has our vote ;)

Reusable coffee cozy

This morning I did a search for coffee cosy on Etsy and it came up with 70 pages of (mostly) adorable sleeves! I love these!

Better than porn

I love when Kenny argues with people. He is one of the nicest people you will ever meet in your entire life, so it rarely happens. But when it does, it’s awesome.
He opened our phone/internet/tv bill last night and it was a lot more than usual. He was on the phone for a good 30 minutes saying things like, “Well, that’s not my problem.” and “How about this. I am not going to pay that and you are going to be the one to figure it out with them.” It made perfect sense why the bill was more and Kenny fully understood. He just decided that he didn’t like it, not one bit. He actually laughed at the guy a few times. You know, that super condescending and patronizing laugh? Yeah, that one. When he got off the phone, we just looked at eachother and smirked.
“So, you want me to just pay the bill?”
“Yeah, that’s fine. I’m just crabby and he was a good person to take it out on.”

I paid for an entire seat

Kenny and I just got back from San Diego. We went out to visit Karl and Monica for a long weekend. We flew in on Thursday morning and went to a Padres game. We made our way to our seats and when I went to sit in mine, I noticed that half of it had disappeared. The man sitting next to me was very large, sweaty, and was wearing a fanny pack. How does his fanny pack fit into the story? Well, it was strapped to him and the pack was hanging in the middle of his legs.This made him sit with his legs spread eagle. His left leg was in my space. His fatness was oozing over into my seat. His arm was resting on my armrest and taking up half my seat. My hand to God, I had about 1/3 of my seat to myself. He then proceeded to wipe his hand across his face and look at his soaking hand. Sweat, tons of sweat. This man was so disgusting. He smelled like dust. He didn't move out of his seat once and had his "women" getting him hot dogs and beer. He had two women with him, very tan, very fake boobs, very makeup covered that definitely seemed to be "with" him. That fanny pack had to be filled with cash and diamonds. Why else would they hang around with him? Kenny and Karl were both very nice and asked if I wanted to switch seats with them. I stayed in the seat. I did not want to subject them to his aroma. Worst of all, the seat was actually ours! We had 4 tickets and he was in the 4th seat. Ugh.....flashbacks.

Doooon't Stop Beeelievin'

Recap of Last Friday...I went up to Denver to have a fun night out on the town. Alanna just graduated with her Masters in Social Work! Gooooooooo Alanna! We were supposed to be to the bar at 9:30, but after we decided to get her sister, drive through downtown Denver on a Friday night after a Rockies game with everyone else trying to get to the bars, we did not show up until 10:30. We started off at Senger's, a nice bar on Colfax. While sitting at the outside bar, we started to take some pictures. The guy next to us kept glaring and making little comments about how the flash was disturbing him. It wasn't by the way. He was fine, I promise. His frustration turned into some sort of obsession, if you will, with a few of us. While holding his girlfriend's hand, he stared at us. Not normal staring, but creepy don’t walk down the alley alone or I make out with you and touch your boob staring. Anyways, while we were chatting this other guy comes over and sits right next to me. Very long story short, he mocked me, I yelled at him, he yelled back, I told him my name WAS actually Snooty McSnooterpants, he dropped his blackberry and was off to another bar all alone. All of a sudden we were leaving Senger's because someone said they wanted to go across the street to the Rock Bar. Let me paint a picture. It was on the bottom floor of a 3 story hotel, on Colfax. I am pretty sure the building was built in the 60's and has not been redecorated since. It smelled like a bowling alley and feet. We walked in and decided we needed drinks stat if we were going to embrace the stench. We all clearly looked like we did not belong. I ordered my beer and was given a CAN OF BEER. Who serves beer in a can? Then we made out way over to the disco ball dance floor and rocked out to some Journey. Don't Stop Believing is still ringing in my head. We danced next to a girl in sweats wearing a fannypack. I am pretty sure some guys "special purpose" touched my leg. And we cannot forget the regulars who looked less than thrilled that we took over their dance floor. At some point in the night we started to hang out with a guy named Chris and his friends. One of them being Nathan from Seattle Real World. I know-that was like 10 years ago. Whatever. Chris ended up being ditched and so he hung out with us the rest of the night. After some delicious Silvermine Subs (Am I right, Lacey?) we dropped Chris off at his friends house. He asked if we were going to hang out again and I told him no, probably not-said goodnight and saw him off. Overall-great night! Always fun hanging out with the girls!

All class people

Stupid finger covered the flash-still a cute picture though!
Rockin' to Journey
There are a lot more pictures from the night-on My Space and Facebook. I can also email them, so let me know! Well, I am off to San Diego until Sunday! Miss me!

BioBags

I just recently purchased these for the girls. We go on a lot of walks and now I will even be helping the environment when they poop! Sometimes, I even amaze myself.

Pardon moi?

Kenny was on his blackberry the other night texting back and forth with his sister. I was asking him what he was talking to her about and he told me she found a dog she likes. He showed a picture to me and then said, “ It’s a Bitchin’.”

“What? A Bitchin’? How is it spelled?”

“B-I-C-H-O-N”

Cracking up I say, “Oh, a Bee-shone”

Honey, let’s wait another year or two

My cousin and her family were just here visiting from New York. They were here for about a week. Their son, Hayden, is 1 ½ and very cute. He is a great kid. I had to laugh though, because he showed Kenny and I that we are definitely not ready to pop one out any time soon.

We occasionally caught ourselves glaring at him, like we were thinking, “Grow up kid. Quit whining.”

I jokingly said, “Kenny, we cannot have kids until we can get a maid.” He agreed 100%. Seriously.

Even before Hayden left the house, Kenny started to clean EVERYTHING. He was wiping everything down, vacuuming, and dusting. Kenny does not clean unless bribed.

We have nothing in our house for kids. Nothing. No cute little plates or silverware. No toys. The poor child was playing with the dog toys half the time.

I was starting to think maybe I was ready to start a fam. Now I know......

Lisa, don’t worry. We really do love when kids visit the house. I swear!

Gums McGummerson

Aunt Joanne: I am really nervous about going rafting tomorrow.
Moi: Why?
Aunt Joanne: I am afraid my teeth are going to fall out. (She wears dentures)
Moi: (Chuckling) Seriously?
Aunt Joanne: Yes, and it’s not funny.
Moi: Well, it is a little. Maybe you will just have to keep your mouth shut all day. (She talks more than anyone I have ever met in my entire life)
Aunt Joanne: What if I scream?
Moi: Do it with your mouth shut. What about duct tape?
Aunt Joanne: (Silence)
Moi: We can poke holes in it so you can breathe better. No? Glue gun?
Aunt Joanne: (Silence)
Moi: Fine. Leave them at home if you are honestly that worried about them.

At that point she took them out to show me what she looked like sans chompers. I would like to take this time to apologize for not having cameras in my eyes so I could post what I saw.